October 29, 2014


Yesterday we introduced the idea of what is the state of mind of the abuser, today we are going to look at the abused person and the dynamics of that abuse and give you an idea so you can be aware that this is an ongoing problem even in the church and you will reach out to someone you know that is being abused.



The abused wife, husband, girlfriend or boyfriend represents one of the uglier aspects of our society.  Only a small percentage of such cases is ever brought to light. The abuse – physical and sexual as well as verbal and emotional – may continue for years. The abused spouse or friend can be found in all socio-economic levels, and in all educational, racial and age groups. And, Christians are not immune.



The abuser often masters the “art” of the put down, foul and abusive language, and threats. At times this abuse is so destructive of personality that the victim feels deserving of any physical battering which follows.

He/she is characterized by low self-esteem, depression, and a variety of stress related disorders and psychosomatic illnesses.  He/she is trapped and vulnerable, confused and uncertain.  It is impossible to assess objectively one’s position or to make decisions.

There is a martyr-like endurance and frustration: responsibility for the mate’s behavior will often be assumed by the victim.  The vague hope exists that change is “just around the corner,” and that “someone will soon come and get me out of all this.”  At the same time, there is emotional isolation and no real contact with the family.



In the case of a wife, it may take from three to four months of counseling before she can begin to heal emotionally, even after she has been separated from her tormentor.  Once she and the children are in a safe place (where he cannot reach them because he doesn’t know where they are) and she has had time to reflect and sort out her feelings, he may be very angry.



The abuser of spouse and family seldom changes unless exposed and subjected to legal action.


  1. Reassure and encourage.

He/she is doing the right thing in talking about the problem.  We want to be of help and are happy to listen.  He/she is not alone: many others are experiencing the same treatment.

  1. Ask questions. It is quite common for abused persons to have difficulty in expressing their feelings. Ask:

How do you feel about the way you are treated?

How long has this been going on?

Tell me about your husband/wife. What is he/she like?

How do you feel about yourself at this point?

What do you think you can do about all this?

The goal is to lead the victim to express herself/himself and to make them realize that they have some God-given rights as a woman/man and wife/husband.

Remember that more police officers are killed or wounded in domestic situations. Performing an intervention can be dangerous. Always refer to a professional.

  1. Inform him/her not to feel deserving of such treatment. He/she does not have to be a victim any longer. Even though the spouse blames her or him and attempts to justify the abuse, it is not his/her fault.

  1. Inform him/her that he or she doesn’t have to take the abuse anymore. It must stop! He/she must be decisive and firm.  The spouse’s conduct is illegal.  He/she can be punished for what he/she is doing, even put in jail. (Often the victim will think of loss of income, having to move, police reports and fall back into the victim mode and not proceed.)

  1. In order to break the cycle of abuse, the victim must contact a local pastor or family services office and tell her or his story. They will be able to help the victim sort things out, suggesting legal action if necessary.  Separation from the tormentor may be in order.

  1. Suggest that further counseling and emotional support is a must. Arrangements must be made with a qualified pastor, a Christian professional, or a counseling service.  Impress upon the victim that decisions must be made urgently and decisive action taken.  The counselor may make suggestions, but concrete steps will have to be taken by the person involved.



“Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

            Matthew 11:28, KJV

“I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.”  Psalm 34:4,5, NIV

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

            1 Peter 5:7, NIV

“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts you.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal.”     Isaiah 26:3,4, NIV

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5,6, NIV

Other suggested Scripture: Psalm 23; Psalm 42:11.



If you are the victim, pack up, take all the money you can, and move out of town, call the police. (it helps that for every trip to the hospital, every fight you call the police, yes it often makes things worse, but you will eventually be killed or maimed for life.)



Don’t be fooled by the “honeymoon” phase, after the abuse, the abuser is so tender, so kind, you can get addicted to the ‘sweetness’ and go through the abuse just to get that ‘special moment’, that is wrong thinking and detrimental to your self-worth. GET OUT


Everyone that reads these devotions please pray for these folks that are going through this horrible ordeal and pray for their safety and the courage to leave.


God bless from

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