off the beaten path

September 15, 2015


We are going off the beaten path here and some may think we are merely meddling, but after 40 years of family counseling here are some things that will help a marriage.

  1. Breastfeeding, stop at 8 months buy a blender and start making your own baby food. If your kid is talking and breast feeding you waited to long if your kid is 2 years and still feeding you need counseling
  2. You are not your child’s best friend, you are the adult and the parent, if you try to dress, talk or hang out with kids and their friends get counseling
  3. If you start dating your daughter’s boyfriends, get counseling
  4. After 4 years of age you kid should make their own bed, pick up their own clothes, if they are 21 and you’re still doing that you need counseling.
  5. If you are still calling your kids sweet stupid nicknames and there past age five you need counseling.
  6. If your kids spit on you, call you names or hit you, you need a funeral director.
  7. Kids get an allowance when they work for it, they buy their own cars, their own houses, no country club dues, breast augmentation.
  8. Body piercing, or tattoos, that’s what skinning knives are for.
  9. If you buy your kid condoms or birth control say hello to your grandkids way before your 25th birthday
  10. Kids of any age never sleep in your bed, never.
  11. You don’t own TV trays, you never eat with the TV on
  12. They eat what you fix or they don’t eat at all.
  13. You will search their bedrooms, their computer and they can’t have a cell phone until they have a job.
  14. It’s yes ma’am no ma’am or yes sir no sir, they can never call you by your first name.
  15. If they bring home a date and they call you by your first name see if they bounce.
  16. If they pull up in their car and blow the horn and don’t come to the door, see how fast they can drive off when you come out with a bat.
  17. Practice your mean face until it really is scary.
  18. Tell the boy that takes you daughter out for a date you believe in body piercing and show him your brand new nail gun.
  19. If your kids won’t follow the rules, take them to a shelter and drop them off, the same granola munchers that adopt stray pets, like bringing home stray kids.
  20. When they tell you they’re running away, help them pack.

Am I serious about all the above, pretty much, hug your kids a lot, tell them you love them everyday, but never let them lie, steal, or be disrespectful.

God bless from

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