Christian Lampoon

August 13, 2017

Chevy Chase/Billy Joel Poster

It seems there is much misunderstanding of the developing Christian life. For fear of one cause we run from another, much disinformation is abounding, and we have now developed “Box Christians”.  We read the labels and have “Christian Lite” vs. “Full Gospel” and “Dominion Christians” the “Tongue Waggers” and the “Lord, Your lucky to have me group” and let’s not forget the “Lord fill my Wallet” group (which is a twofer group) the cheats and the swindlers preachers and the dumb as a stone pew warmer that swallows it all. Then we have the “puffers and fluffers” they always have a ‘special’ word from the Lord and look down their noses at you because you’ll never reach their level. The interesting thing about them is there is a whole herd of these swine, and as they look down their noses at you as they roll in their own filth. They’ll cast the first stone, yet their computers are filled with porn, they lie and gossip and rob pastors of time and effort and make them weary and discouraged because nothing ever changes and they run off every visitor. Then there are dung heap Christians, as they lie in their own filth they claim in loud voices how excellent and shiny they are.

Is it any wonder why we have over 2000 different denominations in America, and a new church (always built on a split) on every corner.

So we choose churches like we choose cereals, we look at the cover and does something appeal to some innate sense of inner peace. Earth tones that calm or bright colors that attract us like a magpie. Or the pastor is famous and doesn’t take a salary because his sugar-coated books lull each one into a sleep coma so deep they’ll never hear the trumpet sound.

Then we read the ingredients, no tithing expected, sin never spelled out, little faith needed, padded pews or padded chairs (even better so we can move them and not sit too close to those not enlightened as we are group). There’s no counseling provided because we don’t need no stinkin counseling, the bible is the latest Jesus is homogenized version that you could substitute any one’s name in. oh and in the parking lot there is a drive through lane for communion, a happy meal and your prescriptions refilled.

Then there’s the mid week bible study, where the rich go to the rich homes and the poor stay home as they don’t have the gas to spare.

And the latest trend the social do-gooders, these are one of the fastest growing churches in America. They specialize in “threshold people” (we used to call them homeless). We don’t have any problems and can’t abide any sermon directed at us. But with enough air fresheners and we make sure we pee before we go to church so we won’t set on the same toilet and catch something or see them in the restroom peddling drugs, blowjobs and smokes. Ok, we lost all our old folks from church because they smell funny too and talk about the way it used to be and the good old days. So between the unwashed and 18 piece hyper amplified band with two drum sets, choreographed fat women in spandex and banners wiggling out with their rumps “oh how we love Jesus” 47 times. The hymnals are gone and we’re paying a worship director twice what the pastor is paid to give us a light show and colors and unicorns dancing on the walls as we sing songs that might be about Jesus or some gay guy, honestly, we can’t tell any more only somebody loves somebody a lot.

Welcome to the new, extra crunchy, won’t get soggy, varnished Clark Griswold totally non-nutritious church service.

Isn’t Jesus wonderful, just like a warm blanket just pulled from the dryer. (sorry I have to puke now)

I don’t have a migraine or a brain tumor and there is no rancor or sour grapes. Just deep sorrow as we have a religion one inch deep 3000 miles wide and the nation is going to hell in a handbasket as we have no roots and religion is like being gay, we just have to keep it private and in our bedrooms and oh wait, only Christian have to hide, the gays are out and teaching your kids in boy scouts how to camp, crochet and start a fire with a Bic.

scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com probably fighting the crowd out front with torches and pitch forks now, oh, and by the way, it’s not really Frankenstein anymore, it is really the Freudian version of a confused transgender guy. And the gospel is a hate crime.

I’m playing Jimi Hendrix’s Manic Depression right now, turn it up!

Questions, comments, prayer requests to the email address please.

my new word

July 28, 2017

last_nail

I’ve invented a new word today, but before I tell you what it is let me tell you the story behind it.

So I was visiting my favorite gunsmith yesterday and we are both knife guys as well as gun guys. We both follow the Clint Smith rule; “one is none, Two is one.”

What that means is if you only carry one knife, one flashlight, one is going to break when you need it. carry at least two of everything and chances are one is going to work during crunch time.

So while we are discussing favorite tactical tools this guy comes in and says this knife I’m making is so hard I can’t drill holes in it for the handle. So my buddy takes it back to his drill press and same thing, no holes. He comes out and tells the guy, “you’re going to have to reheat this, take out the temper (soften) and then drill your holes and then reheat (harden).”

The guy gets a blank look on his face and I say, “it needs to be retempered” he looks at me as light goes off in his head and says “oh, I get it.”

My buddy looks at me says “Dr. G.W. you know there is no such word as “retempered?”

I said “there is now.”

Definition of tempered (interestingly, this word does not appear in the Cambridge Oxford Dictionary online)

1

:  treated by tempering; especially, of glass :  treated so as to impart increased strength and the property of shattering into pellets when broken

2

:  having a specified temper —used in combination short-tempered

3

a :  having the elements mixed in satisfying proportions :  temperate

b :  qualified, lessened, or diluted by the mixture or influence of an additional ingredient :  moderated

a pale gleam of tempered sunlight fell through the leaves — W. H. Hudson †1922

4

:  conforming to adjustment by temperament —used of a musical interval, intonation, semitone, or scale

God is in the “retempering” business, we get so hard headed, hard hearted he has to “turn up the heat” and take the stink out of us, and in the process we get:

Annealed, or my word retempered

1

a :  to heat and then cool (a material, such as steel or glass) usually for softening and making less brittle; also :  to cool slowly usually in a furnace

b :  to heat and then cool (double-stranded nucleic acid) in order to separate strands and induce combination at lower temperature with complementary strands

2

:  strengthen, toughen

Want some good examples?

Sometimes do you ever wonder why God called you to do something for Him? There are many reasons why God shouldn’t have called you, or me, or anyone else for that matter, but God doesn’t wait until we are perfect to call us. Think of all those God used. You’re in good company if you think you aren’t ready for God to use.

Abraham lied. Sarah laughed at God’s promises.

Moses stuttered. David’s armor didn’t fit.

John Mark was rejected by Paul.

Timothy had ulcers.

Hosea’s wife was a prostitute.

Amos’ only training was in the school of fig-tree pruning.

Jacob was a liar.

David had an affair.

Solomon was too rich.

Jesus was too poor.

Abraham was to old.

David was too young.

Peter was afraid of death.

Lazarus was dead.

John was self-righteous.

Naomi was a widow.

Paul was a murderer.

So was Moses.

Jonah ran from God.

Miriam was a gossip.

Gideon and Thomas both doubted.

Jeremiah was depressed and suicidal.

Elijah was burned out.

John the Baptist was a loudmouth.

Martha was a worry-wort.

Mary may have been lazy.

Samson had long hair.

Noah got drunk.

Did I mention Moses had a short fuse?

So did Peter, Paul and lots of folks.

But God doesn’t hire and fire like most bosses because He’s more like our Dad than a boss. He doesn’t look at financial gain or loss. He’s not prejudiced or partial, nor sassy and brassy, nor deaf to our cry. He’s not blind to our faults. His gifts to us are free. We could do wonderful things for others and still not be wonderful ourselves. Satan says, “You’re not worthy!” Jesus says, “So what? I AM.” Satan looks back and sees our mistakes. God looks back and sees the Cross.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

Praise report, brother Paul came through the surgery today just fine, in fact what was supposed to take 3 hours, only took 1 and half hours, doctors said; “he has textbook innards, everything was in the right place.”

where ever we go

June 19, 2017

Every Where We Go

So, my son and daughter in law take me out to eat for Father’s Day. We go to their favorite restaurant, it’s packed, we have to wait, I decide to go to the men’s bathroom. While I’m standing there do my business, a young father comes in with his 3-4-year-old son.

The dad holds open a door to a stall and tells his son to sit there and go pee. The kid points to me and says; “no, dad, I want to go standing up like that guy.” The father says “you’re not tall enough.” A big frown drops on the kids face and he folds his arms and says very firmly “I’m big enough to stand and pee.”

The dad says “fine I’ll hold you up while you pee.” So the dad waits til his son drops he pants, waddles to the urinal; he picks up his son and the kid is not peeing. His father goes “come on Tommy pee.” And the kid while not looking at his father says in a most serious voice; “tell me you’re not going to drop me.” To which the father says to son as gently and as reassuring as possible; “son I will never let you go or drop you.”

And bingo, there’s our devotion, our Heavenly Fathers promises the same to us.

So where ever we go, we are sustained by the Father, wherever we go.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

Summer is here, chill

June 1, 2017

I don’t remember where I first found this, but I have it written in my bible, and with summer here and all the fun it brings don’t forget to have some fun and enjoy living life to its fullest.

1.Sunshine is Refreshing…Fuel up your soul with a day rejoicing in God’s creation.  Take a few hours and spend time at a park experiencing the warmth and brightness of His love.  Find a bench and sit and bask in His sunshine as the warmth of His Son warms your heart.

2.Laughter is Contagious…Fuel up your soul with people who make you laugh.  Surround yourself with godly people who make you laugh and experience a fun-filled day.  Laughter is contagious and a good belly laugh each day helps rejuvenate your soul.

3.An Adventure is Exhilarating…Fuel up your soul with something you have never experienced before.  Take an adventure on your day off, such as kayaking, sailing, climbing, jet sky riding, or any other adventure that interests you.  First time adventures can be very enjoyable and exhilarating.

4.Music is Uplifting…Fuel up your soul with worship music that speaks to your heart.  Close the door of your office and listen to your favorite Christian musician.  Music can sooth the heart and calm your spirit.

5.Drawing is Fun…Fuel up your soul with a drawing that is inspired by how you are feeling.  Use pencil, crayons, markers, water colors, pastels, oils…whatever you desire and spend time expressing yourself on paper.  Expressing your thoughts on paper can be very energizing and a lot of fun. yes, real men can finger paint and do coloring books.

6.Walking is Energizing…Fuel up your soul with a short walk.  A short walk can give you energy that may be what is needed to complete your day without burn out.  Taking a short walk away from the office to reflect on God’s mercy and grace will power you up to press on to another day.

7.Readingis Stimulating…Fuel up your soul with a new book.  Reading on a biblical topic that interest you can fill you with new insights and new ideas.  Spending time in the evening reading instead of watching TV will improve your sleep.  Filling your mind with God’s word will calm your soul and allow you to wake up more rested and ready for another day with fresh new ideas.

8.Writing is Meaningful…Fuel up your soul with a poem or journal entries.  Write something about God asking Him to reveal Himself to you in a way He has never done before.  God will show up, touch your heart with His presence, take your words, and bring glory to His name.

9.A Friend is Calming…Fuel up your soul with lunch and a friend.  Close sincere godly friends have a way of calming your spirit and keeping you focused.  Friends are vital to pray with, cry with, and just hang out with.

10.A Vacation is Necessary…Fuel up your soul with rest.  A vacation is always necessary to recharge and rejuvenate your soul.  Make time and ask for time off. Turn off the computer and IPhone and enjoy your time away.  A vacation without distractions from church responsibilities will give you a new perspective and charge you with vitality.

“Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say, rejoice!” Philippians 4:4  Be ready for fall, allow God to refresh and rejuvenate you this summer!

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

Remember Joe R, in your prayers for his shoulder

Doug B, and his broken back

Rick B, and the death of his mom

 

La Raison

March 18, 2017

Image result for the raisinettes

(ok, if you haven’t had french, this is a pun)

Imagine two friends, John and Jack, who engage in similar behaviors. John regularly eats vegetables, as does Jack. John regularly wakes up a 6 a.m.; so does Jack. John frequently comes to the aid of his neighbor, which Jack does too. On the surface, the behaviors might appear exactly the same yet be radically different in regard to their motivating factors. The reason is that Jack is a Christian and John is an unbeliever.

 Jack eats vegetables because he believes his body is a temple and wants to treat it well. John just likes the taste of them. Jack wakes up at 6 a.m. to pray. John does it to work on his fiction writing. Jack helps his neighbor because he feels called by God to do so. John just wants to be a nice guy. See how both perform the same action but are motivated by different things?

 Human behavior occurs when three factors come together: motivation, ability and a cue. Out of these three, the most important and influential is motivation. Motivation is the reason or reasons we have for acting or behaving in a particular way.

 This seems surprising because ability might seem more important. For example, if you lack the ability to perform surgery, you can’t successfully perform a heart transplant regardless of motivation. But in general, motivation is usually more significant because it can prevent us from engaging in a behavior whether or not we have the necessary ability.

 To change a behavior in a way that glorifies God, we need to have the right motivation. The source of our motivation is found in Colossians 3:1: “Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.” Because we have been raised from death and united with Christ, we are free to set our hearts on “things above.”

 In verses 23–24, Paul writes about another clear motivation: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward.”

 Here are four questions to ask regarding your motivation for wanting to change your behavior:

  1. Does God want me to start/stop this behavior? Before considering how to change a behavior, we must first ask whether it’s something God wants us to do. In some cases, the answer is clear; the Bible requires us to engage in certain behaviors and avoid others. Similarly, some behaviors require that we rely on a Biblical principle to guide us in knowing what to do. Other behaviors can affect Biblically proscribed or prohibited behaviors yet are not required by God. For instance, we might need to set our alarm clock for 6 a.m. to spend more time praying or reading Scripture. While God doesn’t require we get up at a certain hour, that behavior might be necessary for us to be more faithful or obedient.

  2. Is God my primary motivation? Take an honest assessment of why you want to change a behavior. There might be nothing wrong with a secondary motive, but God needs to be the ultimate motivation. For instance, you might want to change a behavior to please a spouse. But the ultimate motive should be that your love for God compels you to act in a more loving way toward your spouse.

  3. What specific things has God done for me in the past? If you need to develop healthier habits, one way to become motivated would be to think of a time when God healed you from an illness. Remembering what God has done in the past can motivate you to behave differently in the future.

  4. Am I maintaining the right motivation? It’s not enough to have the right motivation to initially change a behavior; we also need to sustain the right motivation. For instance, we might initially begin an exercise program because it helps us have the energy to serve the Lord. After several months of activity, though, we might find our motivation has changed, and that we do it out of vanity or a desire to impress others. Frequently accessing your motives ensures that “whatever you do, whether in word or deed, [you] do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him” (Col 3:17).

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

Remember Lori in prayer as she goes through chemo

Her daughter Elizabeth.

Roger S, skin cancer

Praise from Bonnie B, 10 years today,, accepted Jesus

 

huh?

March 3, 2017

HUH??

(today is the anniversary of my grandfather’s passing, so in honor of him, thank you for stepping in to be my dad)

 

 

SO MY GRANDFATHER WAS VERY HARD OF HEARING, AND EVERY SUNDAY WE WOULD GET DRESSED UP AND GO TO CHURCH; WE WOULD SIT ABOUT HALF WAY BACK ON THE RIGHT SIDE AND HE WOULD GO TO SLEEP AS SOON AS THE SERMON STARTED. IF HE DIDN’T SNORE OR THROW HIS HEAD BACK WITH HIS MOUTH WIDE OPEN GRANDMA WOULD LET HIM SLEEP.

 

 

WHEN WE GOT OUT TO THE CAR SHE WOULD ALWAYS ASK HIM; “WHY DO YOU ALWAYS FALL ASLEEP DURING THE SERMON”? HIS RESPONSE WAS ALWAYS THE SAME; ‘I CAN’T HEAR HIM’.

 

 

THEN MY GRANDMOTHER WOULD SAY, “WHY DON’T WE SIT UP FRONT THEY HAVE SPECIAL HEARING DEVICES IN THE FRONT LEFT PEWS AND YOU COULD HEAR THE SERMON”. FOR A MOMENT HE WOULDN’T ANSWER AND INEVITABLY SHE WOULD SAY, “WELL”.

AND THEN CAME HIS STANDARD RESPONSE, “I GO TO CHURCH BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO, I DON’T NEED TO HEAR THE DAMN SERMONS AS WELL”.

 

 

I’D LAUGH AND GET THE LOOK.

 

 

IT WASN’T TILL YEARS AFTER HE DIED I FOUND OUT HE WAS RAISED IN A VERY STRICT (READ ULTRA) STRICT PENTECOSTAL HOME AND CONSTANTLY FOUGHT WITH HIS PARENTS ABOUT GOING TO CHURCH.

 

 

I CAME HOME ON LEAVE IN THE MILITARY WHEN I FOUND OUT HE WAS DYING OF CANCER, AND HE ACCEPTED THE LORD. I ASKED HIM WHY HE NEVER WANTED TO LISTEN TO OUR PREACHER, HIS COMMENT WAS,” I’VE HEARD ENOUGH SERMONS IN CHURCH AND AT HOME TO LIVE A LIFETIME”.

 

 

WELL NOW MY WIFE AND I ARE GETTING OLDER AND WE ARE LOSING OUR HEARING, AND OUR TWO MOST COMMON PHRASES ARE, “HUH” OR ‘WHAT DID YOU SAY’.

 

 

WHICH IS HILARIOUS BECAUSE WE USUALLY MISUNDERSTAND WHAT THE OTHER ONE SAYS AND COME UP WITH THE WRONG ANSWER TO THE QUESTION.

 

 

WHICH BRINGS ME TO OUR VERSE FOR TODAY;

 

PSALMS 135:17 They have ears, but cannot hear….

 

LET’S MAKE SURE WE DON’T GET SPIRITUALLY DEAF AND MISS OUT ON THE LORD SPEAKING TO US, IT CAN BE THROUGH HIS WORD, SONGS, FRIENDS, HECK IN THE OLD TESTAMENT EVEN A JACKASS SPOKE FOR THE LORD.

 

 

MY ADVICE LISTEN BETTER, LONGER, MORE OFTEN, WHICH BRINGS ME TO AN OLD CLICHÉ; “GOD GAVE US TWO EARS AND ONE MOUTH, WE SHOULD LISTEN MORE AND SPEAK LESS.”

GOD BLESS

 

 

REMEMBER SEND YOU PRAYER REQUESTS TO SCUMLIKEUSCHURCH@GMAIL.COM

 

 

AND WE ARE HAVING ANOTHER BIBLE GIVE AWAY. TELL US WHAT DEVOTION HAS REPOSTED THE MOST (REQUESTED).

 

 

 

ALSO HAS ANY ONE HEARD FROM MONOCHROMATIC?

 

SHOCKER???

January 5, 2017

Image result for picture of bob dylan

SHOCKER??? (how many people don’t know whose picture this is???) (no it’s not Adam Sandler, although they’re both Jews)

            If I could pick one Christian album to recommend, not a worship album but a record for new believers to listen to and more mature Christians as well, you may be shocked.

But wait, before I tell you, I’m a hard-core rock and roller, my parents took me with them to Woodstock, (by accident we weren’t planning on going), I was at the Watkins Glen concert the largest outdoor rock concert in America. Then name any rock group but the Beatles, (don’t consider them a rock group). I’ve probably been at their concert, from Janis Joplin to Jethro Tull, Atomic Rooster to Moby Grape, Billy Idol to Led Zeppelin.

So the number Christian album……Bob Dylan, Slow train. Now I know his voice will peel glass, but listen to the message, the theology and I don’t believe there is a better album of theology out there.

So moral of the story, God uses the strangest messengers to carry the gospel, hey why do you think we are called scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

Peace Out.

Blessings

 

PART TWO OF THE LIFE OF ASA

WOW, THIS IS AS GOOD AS A JOHN WAYNE MOVIE

ASA HAS 580,000 MEN, AND THE ENEMY ONE MILLION; 2 Chronicles 14:8-15

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

8 Now Asa had an army of 300,000 from Judah, bearing large shields and spears, and 280,000 from Benjamin, bearing shields and wielding bows; all of them were valiant warriors.

9 Now Zerah the Ethiopian came out against them with an army of a million men and 300 chariots, and he came to Mareshah. 10 So Asa went out [a]to meet him, and they drew up in battle formation in the valley of Zephathah at Mareshah

CAN YOU IMAGINE FACING AN ARMY TWICE YOUR SIZE WITH CHARIOTS AS WELL. THE NATURAL TEMPTATION WOULD BE TO BE FILLED WITH DOUBT AND FEAR, BUT NOT ASA, HE HAS BEEN SERVING GOD AND IN A FAITHFUL RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD AS HIS SERVANT.

JUST LIKE IT SAYS ON OUR MONEY IN GOD WE TRUST SO SAYS ASA;  VERSE 11

Then Asa called to the Lord his God and said, “Lord, there is no one besides You to help in the battle between the powerful and those who have no strength; so help us, O Lord our God, for we trust in You, and in Your name have come against this multitude. O Lord, You are our God; let not man prevail against You

WHAT AN IMPORTANT LESSON FOR US ALL, OUR ENEMIES WHETHER THEY BE HUMAN OR SPIRITUAL, THEY ARE NOT COMING UP AGAINST US, THEY ARE COMING UP AGAINST OUR GOD.

I MET A YOUNG MAN ONCE WHO TOLD ME HE WAS DEMON POSSESED AND THE SON OF A PASTOR. I ASKED HIM WHY WOULD HE ALLOW HIMSELF TO FILLED WITH A DEMON, HIS RESPONSE; “MY PARENTS HAVE CHOSEN GOD OVER ME, I WILL DESTROY THEIR MINISTRY.” I READ THESE VERSES TO HIM AND TOLD HIM GOD WOULD ALSO CHOOSE HIS PARENTS OVER HIM IN THIS SPIRITUAL BATTLE. WAS HE PREPARED TO BATTLE GOD?

THE QUESTION REALLY CHALLENGED HIM AND HE ASKED TO BE COMMITTED TO A MENTAL HOSPITLE, WHICH I GLADYLY OBLIGED, KNOWING THAT THE HEAD DOCTOR AND MOST OF THE NURESES WERE CHRISTIANS AND DEAL WITH BOTH THE MENTAL AND SPIRITUAL PROBLEMS HE WAS HAVING.

NEXT TIME SOMEONE COMES AGAINST YOU FOR YOUR WALK WITH GOD, OR YOUR TESTIMONY, OR VALUES REMIND THEM THEY ARE TAKING ON GOD ALMIGHTY NOT YOU!

So the Lord [b]routed the Ethiopians before Asa and before Judah, and the Ethiopians fled. 13 Asa and the people who were with him pursued them as far as Gerar; and so many Ethiopians fell that [c]they could not recover, for they were shattered before the Lord and before His army

SUBTLE WORD HIDDEN IN THAT VERSE, BECAUSE OF ASA’S COMMITMENT TO GOD AND HIS PURPOSE ASA’S ARMY “BECAME GOD’S ARMY”

WHEN WE DEVOTE OURSELVES TO GOD WE BECOME HIS VICTORY, AND HIS VICTORY IS ASSURED.

WELL STAY TUNED FOR PART THREE.

GOD BLESS FROM SCUMLIKEUSCHURCH@GMAIL.COM

 

SCREW YOU TOO!

November 26, 2016

SORRY GIRLS THIS IS JUST FOR MEN; ALTHOUGH YOU MAY WANT TO PASS IT ON.

WOMEN MAY HAVE A HARD TIME UNDERSTANDING THIS BUT YOU MAY KNOW SOMEONE IN THIS SITUATION. I’M NOT MAKING EXCUSES BUT THIS IS REALLY MOSTLY A GUY THING; AND I HOPE THIS HELPS SOME GUY OUT THERE.

BECAUSE I GREW UP TO BE A VERY VIOLENT PERSON, I BECAME THE GUY THAT WAS ALWAYS GETTING IN FIGHTS AND I ALWAYS STARTED THEM AND PRETTY MUCH ENDED THEM I THOUGHT VIOLENCE WAS THE ANSWER TO PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING; I MEAN SCREW DÉTENTE.

NOW I WAS NEVER PHYSICALLY VIOLENT WITH MY FAMILY BUT I ALL TO FREQUENTLY SCARED THEM WITH MY RAGE AND VERBAL OUTBURSTS. EVEN AFTER ACCEPTING JESUS AS MY SAVIOR SOMETIMES THE ANIMAL JUST CAME OUT. I’M NOT PROUD OF WHAT HAPPENED BUT I DID GET A HANDLE ON IT, AND I WANT TO SHARE WITH ANYONE THAT IS STRUGGLING WITH RAGE, ESPECIALLY IN A FAMILY SETTING TO HELP YOU GET OVER IT.

NOW DON’T DISMISS THIS AS TO SIMPLISTIC BUT IT REALLY CAN HELP. I READ THIS STORY IN READERS DIGEST ABOUT 40 YEARS AGO AND IT WAS A LIGHT BULB MOMENT.

A PLUMBER GOES TO A LADY’S HOUSE TO DO SOME WORK AND ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT CAN GO WRONG DOES, BUT HE DOESN’T LOSE HIS COOL. BUT WHEN LEAVES THE HOUSE TO GO HOME HE LEAVES A WRENCH THERE. THE WOMAN OF THE HOUSE REALIZES THAT HE MIGHT NEED IT AND FOLLOWS HIM HOME TO GIVE HIM THIS WRENCH.

WHEN HE GETS TO HIS HOUSE BEFORE SHE CAN GET OUT OF THE CAR SHE SEES HIM GO UP TO A TREE IN HIS YARD AND HE STARTS PULLING INVISIBLE THINGS OUT OF HIS POCKET AND TIES THEM TO THE TREE; AND SHE’S THINKING ‘GREAT I’VE JUST HAD A PSYCHO IN MY HOUSE’.

THEN JUST BEFORE HE GOES INTO THE HOUSE HE KIND OF GIVES HIMSELF A SHAKE LIKE A DOG DOES AND GOES IN THE HOUSE.

WELL SHE’S FASCINATED AND HAS TO KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON SO SHE GOES TO THE HOUSE WITH THE WRENCH AND RINGS THE DOORBELL. THE PLUMBER ANSWERS THE DOOR WITH A BIG SMILE AND SHE CAN HEAR CHILDREN LAUGHING AND SMELLS DINNER COOKING AND SHE HOLDS UP THE WRENCH.

(WHICH HE IMMEDIATELY TAKES AND KILLS HER DEAD; SORRY JUST KIDDING, SEE WHY YOU HAVE TO KEEP PRAYING FOR ME.)

SHE JUST HAS TO KNOW WHAT WAS THE DEAL WITH HIM TYING INVISIBLE THINGS TO THE TREE OUTSIDE, SO SHE ASKS HIM. HE GRINS RATHER SHEEPISHLY AND STEPS OUTSIDE AND WALKS OVER TO THE TREE, AND HE SAYS; “I TIE TO THE TREE EVERYTHING THAT WENT WRONG TODAY, EVERYTHING THAT BROKE, DIDN’T GOES AS PLANNED, MY ANGER, MY FRUSTRATION AND I TIE IT THERE SO I DON’T TAKE IT IN THE HOUSE WITH ME.” AND SHE ASKS “WHAT ABOUT THE SHAKE YOU DID ON THE DOORSTEP.” HE SMILES AND SAYS I’M JUST MAKING SURE NOTHING BAD IS COMING IN THE HOUSE WITH ME AND I TELL MY SELF I LOVE MY FAMILY.”

NOW IF YOU ARE SERIOUSLY SCREWED UP AND THINK THIS IS TO SIMPLISTIC SCREW YOU IT WORKS.

BUT FOR YOU DIE HARD VIOLENT PSYCHOPATHS THAT ARE  SKEPTICS I HAVE PART TWO.

I TOLD MY WIFE THAT WHEN I GET HOME I NEEDED 20 MINUTES ALONE TIME TO RE-ADJUST TO A ROLE CHANGE. SO I WOULD STAY IN THE GARAGE AND THE KIDS WERE TOLD NOT TO COME OUT AND BOTHER ME; AND IN THAT 20 MINUTES I WOULD PRAY; “GOD DON’T LET A MONSTER WALK THROUGH THAT DOOR, THESE PEOPLE LOVE YOU AND CARE FOR YOU; YOU CAN’T BE MEAN, OR SCARY OR ROUGH OR MEAN SPIRITED BECAUSE YOU LOVE THEM. DON’T BE AN A$$HOLE WALK IN THERE AND BE A GODLY, LOVING CARING MAN.”

AND THERE IS A PART THREE; “CUES” ONE REASON I GOT MAD WAS I HAD A SCENARIO IN MY MIND OF WHAT WOULD HAPPEN WHEN I GOT HOME, MY EXPECTATIONS; PROBLEM WAS I NEVER TOLD ANYONE WHAT THOSE EXPECTATIONS WERE. I WANTED MY WIFE TO KISS ME AND TELL ME SHE MISSED ME (I TRAVEL A LOT DOING SEMINARS) I WANTED THE KIDS TO STOP WHAT EVER THEY WERE DOING AND JUST HUG ME FOR A SECOND, THAT’S ALL, JUST THAT LITTLE BIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT WORKED, I WOULD WALK IN THE HOUSE SAYING MY LITTLE MANTRA; “YOU LOVE THESE PEOPLE DON’T SCARE THEM.” AND THEY WOULD TAKE THE 5 SECONDS JUST TO GIVE ME WHAT I NEEDED, CRAVED FROM THEM A MOMENT OF LOVE AND IT WOULD ALL WORK OUT.

SO IF YOU ARE A SCARY DAD, HUSBAND, FATHER, PLEASE WORK IT OUT, GIVE THIS A TRY.

DON’T BE A SCARY SCUM

GOD BLESS FROM SCUMLIKEUSCHURCH@GMAIL.COM

number one requested repost

October 30, 2016

SO WHO’S WITH ME, YOU WANT TO GROW UP AND BE A POTATO CHIP.

BETTER LET ME EXPLAIN, LAYS POTATO CHIPS THEY HAVE ONE THAT’S LABELED, ‘LIGHTLY SALTED; IN A WEIRD WAY IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT THAT EXPLAINS THE FOUR GOSPELS AND THE BOOK OF ACTS (NOT COMPLETELY BUT ALMOST).

GOD IS LIGHT, HIS SON IS LIGHT, AND WE ARE CALLED TO BE LIGHT. IN THE GOSPEL OF JOHN IT SAYS THAT DARKNESS (EVIL, THE DEVIL) CANNOT OVERCOME THE LIGHT OR EVEN UNDERSTAND IT. THAT’S HOW POWERFUL LIGHT IS.

SO WE ARE CALLED TO LIGHT.

WE ARE ALSO CALLED TO BE SALT

THE GOSPEL OF MATTHEW 5:13 SAYS WE ARE TO BE THE SALT OF THE EARTH. WE ARE TO BRING FLAVOR AND BE A PRESERVATIVE TO THE WORLD. BUT IF THE SALT LOSES ITS FLAVOR IT IS NO GOOD; AND THERE IS THE PROBLEM.

FOUR THINGS WE ARE SUPPOSED TO DO AS CHRISTIANS.ONE, BE LIGHT, TWO BE SALT, THREE BE CHRIST LIKE, AND FOUR BE MATURE.

WE CAN’T LEAVE ONE PART OUT, WE ARE TO SHINE IN DARKNESS AND LET THE WORLD KNOW A RESURRECTED CHRIST; WE ARE TO HAVE AN INFLUENCE IN THE WORLD THAT ACTUALLY STOPS OR RETARDS THE PEOPLE AND THEIR SINS (CONVICTION AND THAT GOD LOVES THEM). BE CHRIST LIKE IN ALL WE DO SO THE LIGHT SHINES FROM US. AND GROW UP SO WE CAN GROW OUT.

SO HERE’S MY PROPOSITION, SPEAKING JUST ABOUT AMERICA, WE HAVE PRETTY MUCH FAILED IN EVANGELISM, WITNESSING AND SPREADING THE HOPE OF GOD. SO EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG IN OUR COUNTRY IS PRETTY MUCH THE CHURCHES FAULT AND OF COURSE THE SINFULNESS OF MAN.

ONE WE HAVE NO CONTROL OVER, THE OTHER WE DO. DON’T BLAME THE GOVERNMENT, OR POLITICIANS, THE QUESTION WE HAVE TO ASK IS ‘HAVE OUR LIGHTS GONE OUT AND IS THE SALT GONE FROM OUR LIVES.

HOW MANY FAMOUS TV AND BOOK PASTORS ARE SAYING THE BIBLE ISN’T HISTORICALLY RELEVANT, IT HAS NO PLACE IN THE PLACE OF MODERN MAN. HOW ABOUT ALL THE CHURCHES THAT HAVE ONE GOAL ON SUNDAY, TO MAKE YOU FEEL HAPPY AND GOOD ABOUT YOUR SELF (BIG NEWS FLASH, GOD DOESN’T ACTUALLY CARE IF YOUR HAPPY).

THERE IS A WELL KNOWN PASTOR NEAR HERE THAT TOLD ME HE HASN’T PREACHED A MESSAGE ABOUT SIN IN OVER 15 YEARS AND WOULDN’T BECAUSE HE THINKS THAT MESSAGE WOULD DRIVE THE CROWDS AWAY.

ASK YOUR SELF ‘WHY DO I GO TO CHURCH?’ HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU’VE WITNESSED TO SOMEONE, OR TRIED TO HOLD A BROTHER OR SISTER ACCOUNTABLE FOR SOMETHING THEY ARE HAVING A PROBLEM WITH.

BE BIG

BE BOLD

BE BRAVE

SO TODAY WILL YOU RENEW YOUR VOW TO BE A POTATO CHIP, VOTE YES.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com for questions, comments or prayer requests.