funny face

January 14, 2018

I have a good friend who because of a couple strokes he can’t smile. He’s a preacher. Now if you are wondering what one has to do with the other, here we go.

Because he looks so serious his congregation has developed into a serious crowd as well and a little legalistic. All this from not smiling. (possible?)

Then there’s Jerry, another preacher that is always laughing, playing practical jokes and his congregation is pretty much like him.

The non-funny thing is the serious preacher has a more mature congregation both in age and in the Lord. Jerry’s congregation is younger (he’s 75) and less mature in the Lord.

What ‘s my point, the goal of every preacher is to give a congregation a conscious in tune with the Love of God. They should have godly thinking that leads to a right heart. Can you be serious, sure, can you be funny sure. But in either case you must be thorough, all the Word of God, all the principles.

What come first, heart or mind. I’m going to say the best balance is the mind, then the heart will follow. A mind set on God makes a heart following God.

So a preacher that concentrates on emotions and feelings will have a congregation without maturity and principles. Their Christian walk will be a whirlwind of emotions, a roller coaster walk.

The sound biblical expositor will have a mature congregation and more sure of everything. The church will gravitate towards sound thinking and there will be less church problems. If the pastor is firm.

Aye, and there’s the rub, (been a while since I said that). To many Christian’s today want a socially acceptable church that doesn’t invade their privacy.

I’m going to stop right there and let you ponder that for a while.

God bless and peace in your life. From scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

WHOOPS

December 23, 2017

WHOOPS!

I’ve lost track of how many mistakes I’ve made in the ministry. Saying the wrong names during a wedding ceremony (you should see the looks, especially if the name you said was an ex boy/girl friend). Or because nobody smokes in church no way to light a unity candle. Or the bride sticks the candle under her veil to blow it out and poof, there goes the veil and about a pound of hairspray, and now we have a bride with no eyebrows, veil and singed hair.

How about saying your so glad to be in this church (as a guest speaker and get the wrong name). showing up at the wrong church to preach.

Or leaving your label mike on when you go to the bathroom.

Your  zipper’s down and you have a plexiglass pulpit.

But the one that really sticks out in my mind is a river baptism (my first) I’m baptizing Wendel Blanton. 6’8 and 324lbs. he’s a new believer, shy, timid always afraid of hurting someone because of his size. And down he goes for baptism, under the water and somehow, I lost my grip and away he goes.

The look on my face, everyone knew something was wrong. And no sign of Wendel. I mean zip.

It seemed like eternity when up he pops about 30 yards downstream, with this huge smile on his face. And he just booms; “Pastor, that was so wonderful, I truly felt the presence of the Lord.”

Everyone starts clapping and shouting, he takes a step forward and totally disappears. He’s stepped in a huge hole. Up he pops again. I think by then every single person rushed out to get him, they couldn’t take the stress.

While ol’ Wendel is grabbing everyone and hugging them and dropping them in the water and now every one is rushing back as this has turned out (in their minds to be highly undignified). Everyone s back on shore and Wendel goes “Pastor, can I get baptized again next year?”

You know I said yes. Whoops.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

SUDS SAVER

December 8, 2017

washingmachine1

SNOW DAY

Well we had almost 2 inches of heavy wet snow. Which for south Texas, that’s pretty rare.

My wife got home, changed into her ranch clothes and ran out side with our American Bulldog and she starts making Snow Angels and the dog is going nuts running through her first snowfall.

Ups jumps my wife and it’s a snowball fight.

We reminiscence about the snow we had growing up south of Buffalo New York or the heavy snows we had in Ohio. We were one time snowed in for 9 days.

The bible says we will be washed whiter than snow.(Isaiah)

A favorite evangelist friend of mine used to say that there was a giant Suds Saver washing machine in heaven and the blood of the Lamb was poured in and we would come out clothed in white with no more sin and that we would never get stained nor would that power ever fail to keep us white.

Not the most theologically correct statement but almost. But it always led up to a great altar call.

Question? Have you asked Jesus to save you and wash away your sins?

Well there’s this giant Suds Saver…….

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

was that Plato or Play-dough

November 30, 2017

The gospel of Mark is considered the first of the written Gospel’s by many scholars. Jesus first words were “repent” not learn philosophy. I am rather alarmed by so called Christian philosophers that have raised the hue and cry that theology must give way to philosophy or that therefore no intelligent, scholarly discussion can take place. And because of this the new purveyors have deemed themselves the new heralds of the gospel.

Yet their theology has been compromised so that it is more palatable to the so called intelligent atheist.

Well baloney, they have forgotten all the scriptures that convey the truth about man’s intelligence and wisdom being dung, foolishness; and the power of the Word of God to convict and persuade and provide the only true concept of God.

It amazes me that these “wise men” usually pick theology books that also water down the truth of God’s word and plan. Or that they won’t call themselves Christians but ‘Theists’. So how does a Theist become more Christ like it they have a problem with an inspired, inerrant, infallible Word of God that is the answer to all of life’s questions and is not reduced to a bunch of egg heads creating a mathematical formula for truth. God is the epitome of truth, not philosophy.

So don’t stone me if you’re a philosophy major, you still need Jesus, the only way to understand God. The only way in to heaven (no mother Mary isn’t going to do it either).

And stop with the stupid questions about where evil comes from, it’s been answered, just like the chicken or the egg question, yes the bible has already answered this question, in the beginning God created the chicken not the egg. Duh.

Invest your self in the study of God’s word if you want to truly be wise, and stop watching you tube, your rotting your brain.

Blessings from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

BUTT RUBBERS

November 29, 2017

audrey

BUTT RUBBERS

WAIT, IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!

So K9’s have been a big part of my life. Dogs, I like them more than people. Dogs outnumber the people in my house.

So back when I did dog placement of pups for the military I always told people please lavish all the attention you want on a dog, BUT DO NOT RUB THEIR BUTTS.

But people do it because their so needy for affection and attention so they start rubbing the dog’s butt and because dogs like that and act all goofy and happy, it almost ruins a dog for training.

Almost.

Butt rubbing increases a dog’s carnal nature, when I want a dog that will save a life I need it facing me, not backing up and sticking its butt on my leg wanting a butt rub.

The dog has to be deprogramed to a different reward system, that doesn’t include butt rubbing.

Well there, I said butt rubbing as much a possible. Here’s the flip side for us humans.

According to the Greek dictionary, it means to have the nature and characteristics of the flesh (or more simply, it means “fleshly”). What, then , is the flesh? Sometimes it refers to the whole material part of man (1 Corinthians 15:39; Hebrews 5:7), and based on this meaning, carnal sometimes relates to material things like money (Romans 15:27) or to the opposite of our weapons of spiritual warfare (2 Corinthians 10:4). But the word flesh also has a metaphorical sense when it refers to our disposition to sin and to oppose or omit God in our lives. The flesh is characterized by works that include lusts and passions (Galatians 5:19-24; I John 2:16); it can enslave (Romans 7:25); and in it is nothing good (Romans 7:18). Based on this meaning of the word flesh, to be carnal means to be characterized by things that belong to the unsaved life (Ephesians 2:3).

“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory” (Col. 3:1–4).

You want to be a super Christian? That’s it, tame carnality, stop the fleshly part, the carnal, craving, lusting, fallen, screwed up part of your life. For men it means stop letting your little head rule your big head.

So that’s the secret to a victorious Christian life, no butt rubbing.

Hopefully you see the serious part of this and haven’t fallen out of your chair laughing and hurt yourself.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 And if your offended by this post have someone rub your butt.

I’M WITH STUPID

November 23, 2017

Image result for A PICTURE OF A BIRDHOUSE

A “do it yourself” catalog firm received the following letter from one of its customers: “I built a birdhouse according to your stupid plans, and not only is it much too big, it keeps blowing out of the tree. Signed, Unhappy.”

The firm replied: “Dear Unhappy, We’re sorry about the mix-up. We accidentally sent you a sailboat blueprint. But if you think you are unhappy, you should read the letter from the guy who came in last in the yacht club regatta.”

Once a spider built a beautiful web in an old house. He kept it clean and shiny so that flies would patronize it. The minute he got a “customer” he would clean up on him so the other flies would not get suspicious. Then one day this fairly intelligent fly came buzzing by the clean spider web. Old man spider called out, “Come in and sit.” But the fairly intelligent fly said, “No, sir. I don’t see other flies in your house, and I am not going in alone!” But presently he saw on the floor below a large crowd of flies dancing around on a piece of brown paper. He was delighted! He was not afraid if lots of flies were doing it. So he came in for a landing. Just before he landed, a bee zoomed by, saying, “Don’t land there, stupid! That’s flypaper!” But the fairly intelligent fly shouted back, “Don’t be silly. Those flies are dancing. There’s a big crowd there. Everybody’s doing it. That many flies can’t be wrong!” Well, you know what happened. He died on the spot. Some of us want to be with the crowd to badly that we end up in a mess. What does it profit a fly (or a person) if he escapes the web only to end up in the glue?

Charles Swindoll

The one good thing about growing older is you make less stupid mistakes (hopefully).

I have a parishioner that doesn’t have dementia, but she loves saying outlandish things, making funny faces and sometimes being rather childish, if anybody says anything she just says; “dementia.” When I asked her why she said she had a very strict childhood and a dominating husband and this was her chance to break the mold.

Or the guy I met that passes anyone he meets with a card that has some weird made up medical term and an explanation that he will probably offend you, it’s a kind of Tourette’s syndrome, and at the bottom of the card it says ‘turnover’ and the other sides says; “I’m really just an a$$hole.

We all know people like this and yes you can train yourself to be stupid.

Self-destructive behavior is stupidity run amok, and as the comedian says; “you can’t fix stupid.”

And the bible agrees, the fool, the unteachable, the rebellious, the reprobate, all possibly bound for hell because they won’t stop being what they are.

So look at the things you do in your life and are any of them stupid. Then ask your self why you are doing such things. And just like AA, stop, get help.

Now I have to say there’s one caveat to this little rant, know the difference between stupid and careless. The latter can be fixed, and it really is a poor excuse that only makes you look…..(you got it) stupid.

So clean up your act, stop making excuses, stop saying it’s an addiction, just stop, you can, you’ve done it before. Is it hard, yes being obedient is always harder to do than being careless.

But ask yourself, right at this moment did God lead you to read this giant stop sign. It might be your last chance, you may want to think about.

Blessings from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

YOU WIENER

November 22, 2017

rainy-sleepy-snoopy-peanuts

ok, this is not deep theology, or even deep psychology.

We all face mountains, obstacles, setbacks, hardships, you get my point.

When that happens I have a number of bible verses memorized that help.

But there is something else that helps even more, singing.

Now I have good voice, but that doesn’t matter it’s the songs. I have a ‘set’ of songs that carry me out of the slough of despondency, the pit of despair, the blues of life, I could wax on but let’s stop.

So here’s my list,

  1. GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU

  2. JOYFUL JOYFUL WE ADORE THEE

  3. ZIPPY DO DAA

  4. AND ‘I WISH I WAS AN OSCAR MEYER WIENER’.

SERIOUSLY, SOMETIMES IT TAKES ALL OF THEM, BUT THAT’S THE USUAL ORDER.

  1. S. Bach said, “All music should have no other end and aim than the glory of God and the soul’s refreshment; where this is not remembered there is no real music but only a devilish hubbub.” He headed his compositions: “J. J.” “Jesus Juva” which means “Jesus help me.” He ended them “S.D.G.” “Soli Dei gloria” which means “To God alone the glory.”

 Martin Luther said, “The devil takes flight at the sound of music, just as he does at the words of theology, and for this reason the prophets always combined theology and music, the teaching of truth and the chanting of Psalms and hymns.” “After theology, I give the highest place and greatest honor to music.”

So there you have it, pack up all your troubles, a great world war one song that everybody was singing was;

Pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag,

And smile, smile, smile,

Smile, boys, that’s the style.

What’s the use of worrying?

It never was worth while, so

Pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag,

And smile, smile, smile.

Smile, smile, smile, sing, sing, sing.

Blessings from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

TOUCHED

November 20, 2017

THE NEED FOR TOUCH

I’m always amazed by how unloved people in the church feel. In one church we mentioned in the bulletin that on Thursdays you could come to my office from 9am to 9pm and just be hugged. There would be two other people in the room, usually my wife and I.

I was amazed at how many people “snuck” in for a hug and a prayer. Now I’m a big hugger, you gonna know you were hugged. No sissy, barely held you, nope you’re gonna get the works. What amazed is how many people just wept when embraced.

The other comment was “thank you for hugging me like a real man.” That puzzled me at first, but I always ask, “what do you mean?”

The most common answer was from married women who said how their husbands barely touched them any more and if they did they felt like they were being hugged by their sister not their husband.

Well the church all on its own started a hugging revolution. All the services had everyone hugging, before during and after. And then it spread outside of church. How did I know that? People started coming to our church to be hugged. We actually roped off two front pews with a sign that said “need hugs.”

Those two pews began to fill up with the threshold crowd, mentally ill, homeless, broken, and they sat there with a childlike presence waiting for someone to reach out and hug them. We actually had some parolees with warrants and one escaped mental patient call and said they would turn themselves in at the church if they could get a hug first. The police were shocked, but they cooperated, and I’ve lost count of the people that came in to be arrested if they were hugged first. And never a problem.

I try to stop by my son’s business at least once a week, we always hug and he kisses me on the cheek and we say “we love you.” Clients there will ask if we will hug them as well. And then so many ask or say about how loving every one there is. Or that they haven’t seen an adult son and father hug and kiss in forever.

When I leave my son and daughter in law will shout out again; “we love you Pop.” And the whole place goes silent waiting for my heart felt and loud, “we love you too.”

Friends, it might take you a while to get used to invading someone’s space but start hugging. And spouses start hugging.

People are surprised but filled with joy over a hug.

I have a big Aryan ex-con friend, all tatted up and everything pierced, he never wears a shirt just his biker vest. This guy is a muscled bound steroid abuser (ex) we meet every other month at a nice restaurant. He always gets there first so he can sit in their real fancy bar. And when I come in the door he rushes at me like he’s going to kill me. (a few people actually screamed a few times) but we give these huge bear killer hugs and he picks me up off the floor and always says. “I love you man.”

People need the Lord, and everybody needs touched. That was the hallmark of Jesus’s ministry he touched the unwanted. We need to touch everyone.

So spread the love.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

RINNNNNG! RRRRIINNNNNGGGGG!

November 4, 2017

Okay first thing to remember is that this is not a crash course on demonology or even theology it’s just a story; although it’s a true story and even though my theology has changed (matured), none of that is relevant.

So it’s one of those oh my God I’ve answered the phone again, and a little old lady says, “pastor would you come over to my house I think it’s possessed.”

So what the heck, yes ma’am, I will come over. So this is a lady that does not go to my church, I’ve never heard of her before, oh yeah and she says she talked to the pastor next door and he says; I’m just some crazy old lady”.

So that’s all the information that I had, so I’m  going to visit a possible crazy woman who thinks her home is possessed. So first of all it is a nice neighborhood, and she does have a lovely home And Everything Is well kept.

I knock on the door, and this woman answers the door and she looks perfectly sane and in her right mind. And she is all “you must be the pastor, please come in” (cue creepy music). So I go in the house it is very well kept, very clean, no weird smells everything appears to be normal.

So she says, “well pastor let me tell you there is some kind of ghost living in my basement and at night when I’m asleep he comes up bothers me, then my bottom dresser draw slides open and all these little naked people come out and dance all around me. Would you go down in the basement and do whatever it is you do and get it out of here?”

So I go to the door that leads down to the basement and I flicked the light switch, and just like every good horror movie, the light does not does not come on. I look at her and she says oh he always does that he unscrews the light bulb. You will have to go down the steps and open the door reach out screw in the light bulb and pull on the cord”.

Okay is it just me or is my heart hammering like a 12 air hammer?

I asked her do you have a flashlight, you already know what the answer is, “no the batteries are dead.”

So, here I am walking down the stairs and I am praying, “sweet Jesus do not let there be anybody down here, demonic or otherwise.” (you also have to remember tactical flashlights have not been invented, just the giant cop mag light that I don’t have.)

I push open the door, it is pitch black, I cannot see a thing. I look over my shoulder and see that the lady is standing there at the top of the stairs wringing her hands. And you know what I’m thinking of right now, you just know something is going to happen.

So I’m trying to keep the door open with my right foot, and reach out with my left hand and try to find this light bulb that’s hanging from the ceiling so I can screw it in and pull on the cord and oh sweet Jesus let there really be light down here and nothing else not even a mouse.

Well what I did not know is that it was a swinging door because right then when I found the light bulb the door swings shut. At least I thought it was swinging shut, actually it was swinging towards me, and as I rushed back toward it, it was at the apex of its swing and bam I get slammed in the head like a sledge hammer as whacked me. I thought I was attacked by whatever was down in the basement; and man I am freaking out.

Forget about spiritual warfare, calling the name of Jesus, I’m in fight mode, out comes the Emerson combat knife and I looking for something to cut. I hear the lady at the top of stairs calling out; “are you okay, you have to watch out for the door it swings both ways.”

Foolishly I realize what has happened and I calm down and realize how glad I am she didn’t see the very unspiritual, totally freaked out Holy Roller going all Rambo.

I turn on the light and you guessed it, nothing down there. I’m praying to calm down, relax, take a deep breath and somebody taps me on the shoulder, I can instantly tell you it’s not the lady, its someone taller and bigger than her and I’m thinking you already freaked out once is it time to do it again?

The problem in most fights if you are not the attacker you are behind the power curve and catching up will usually get you cut, shot, or worse. But I think that moment I just felt calm and settled just long enough to not just lash out. Good thing it was the pastor from next door, he was worried because I’d been in the house a long time and remember he thinks his neighbor is crazy.

He sees the goose egg on my forehead and is asking if I’m alright and did she throw me down the stairs, is there somebody really down here. I tell him what happens and we both have a good laugh.

So we go back upstairs and I tell this lady there is nothing down there. Her response “maybe you should go there at night because that’s when they come out.” Guess what I said, “sure thing.” (Maybe I do need to have my head examined.)

Well no suspense, went back at her bedtime, sat in the basement with all the lights on and two flashlights and nothing.

So is she crazy who knows, is her house possessed, not that night. I never heard from her again. Hopefully she’s alright.

Do I still answer the phone and get sucked into crazy situations, yes I do. Moral of the story I don’t go into strange houses by myself. And I always have a flashlight.

Some time I’ll have to you about the time I was asked to do a cult abduction from a vampire cult. See I still answer the phone.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

THE PRODIGAL CHILD

September 26, 2017

THE PRODIGAL CHILD

Kids are born naked and no instructional manual. I’m sure as parents we’ve all made mistakes and some of the stuff we’ve done as parents is borderline crazy.

Being a preacher and having you kids labeled PK’s (preacher’s kids) I was always amazed at the stories congregations would tell us about previous pastors and the behavior of their kids.

I had two kids, or I should say my wife had two kids, one was an angel and one was a demon. I kept telling my wife it was ok if she would admit the bad kid wasn’t mine, I’d actually feel better. This kid broke our hearts, I can’t tell you how many times my wife and I would go to bed and just weep over the things our one kid did.

As she got older the behavior got worse, as a pastor and marriage and family counselor I was extremely frustrated. What advice I gave to other parents that seemed to work had no effect on her.

Finally in a fit of desperation we arranged our clothes on the floor, my wife’s in the kitchen and mine in my study as though we’ve been “raptured” up and away. And then went and walked down to some neighbors.

We saw our daughter drive home from school and watched as we saw her pull in and go into the house. We waited 20 minutes and then walked in the house.

Well, like Paul Harvey, there is a rest of the story.

We walked in and she was on the phone, we thought she might be calling church folks to see who else might have got “caught up”. Nope, not our kid, she figured the rapture did happen and was calling her friends to come over for a party.

Tough nut to crack, hard row to hoe, whatever the phrase. In long talks to our daughter as an adult I’ve told her I would not have changed one single thing we did as parents. Now that she has had 3 kids and now has grandchildren the shoe is on the other foot. Grandkids are a great payback.

Let me end with this, you can be a good parent and still have a child wander off the reservation. We will trust the Lord until the day we die that she will invite the Lord into her heart and have a good relation with him, whether that includes us or not isn’t as important as that.

I sleep fine at night knowing that God is more concerned, caring and compassionate than I can be and He can do more to influence her life than I can.

So today I have one prayer request, pray for parents that have adult children that are not living a biblical lifestyle, that God will bring people into their lives that can reach out to them and guide them and trust that the Holy Spirit is very active in their lives.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com