THE REAL DEAL

November 11, 2017

Senior Couple At Home

FALSE-POSITIVE

IN 40 YEARS OF PASTORAL COUNSELING LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I KNOW ABOUT TRUE LOVE.

FEELINGS DON’T MATTER, IT’S ALL ABOUT COMMITMENT

YOU CAN’T FALL OUT OF LOVE, BECAUSE IT ISN’T ABOUT FEELINGS OR SEXUAL ATTRACTION.

THE HEART WANTS WHAT THE HEART WANTS, BIGGEST LOAD OF CRAP LIE PROBABLY EVER TOLD.

IT MAY HAVE BEEN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT, BUT IT WAS ALL UPHILL AND HARD WORK THAT GOT US TO 43 YEARS OF MARRIAGE.

SEXUAL ATTRACTION TO SOMEONE ELSE OTHER THAN YOUR SPOUSE IS YOU BEING STUPID, CARELESS, RECKLESS AND SHAME ON YOU.

THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS SEX TOYS, THE BEDROOM DOES NOT NEED VARIETY, SPICED UP OR EXPLORED.

I’VE NEVER READ A BOOK ABOUT SEX THAT WAS GODLY AND HONORED MARRIAGE.

LET’S GO FOR BROKE, ANAL SEX IS A SIN, A PERVERSION, YOU DISHONOR YOUR PARTNER.

GOOD SEX IS ABOUT TALKING, HONESTY, RESPECT, LOVE AND CARING, NOT BEING SELFISH OR DOMINEERING, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS LET’S WORK OUT OUR FANTASY.

THE BIBLE SAYS TO KEEP THE MARRIAGE BED PURE AND UNDEFILED. NO PORN, NO SEX TOYS, NO MARITAL AIDS.

OH, YEAH, IT’S ALSO BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN, NOT TWO BOB’S OR TWO BETTY’S OR GEE, I’M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT I AM.

REAL BIBLICAL, GODLY SEX IS ALMOST LIKE WORSHIP, YOUR SPOUSE MEETS ALL YOUR NEEDS.

WELL THAT’S IT, AFTER A DAY OF LISTENING TO STUPID EXCUSES FOR CHEATING, DIVORCE, AND STUPIDITY, YOU GET TO BEAR THE BRUNT.

GOD BLESS FROM SCUMLIKEUSCHURCH@GMAIL.COM

OH, AND PS, THIS NOT JUST AN OPINION, IT IS GOD’S PLAN FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE.

I want to tell you that 1 Peter verse 2 is one of the greatest verses in the Bible; that shows you just how much God loves you. And, what a wonderful salvation that you have. And, this salvation is the work of the triune (trinity)God. For example, God the Father planned it. The Bible says that you are “elect according to the foreknowledge of God…” (1 Peter 1:2)

Now, when did this take place? When did God choose you? When did God set His love upon you? In the counsel halls of eternity, before you knew anything about it, before He’d swung this world into space, before anything was. Before the foundation of the world, God loved you. Ephesians 1:4 says, “… he hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world” (Ephesians 1:4).

 I want to tell you, you are a wanted child. What a great feeling it is for me to know that I was in the heart and the mind of God before the foundation of this world.

Good news, abortion rates are dropping at a whopping percentage, we are at the lowest rate ever since 1970 and Woe vs. Wade.

More good news, Millennials are considered more conservative.

More good news, more people consider a fetus to be a viable human being.

More good news, over half the women having abortions already had an abortion, why is that good news, because the rate of first time abortions is dropping by over 45%. Some women have had up to 15 abortions, the majority of women having abortions are on Medicaid and already had abortions.

Not so good news, in Florida you have to give a reason for the abortion, 93% of women said; “because”. That’s it.

More good news all the statistics that Planned Parenthood give are fake, over inflated and just lies. Just like the lies that 50% of marriages fail. The truth is 25% of failed marriages are already failed. That’s right, the same 25% of marriages are failing over and over again, they are repeat offenders of the sanctity of marriage. Planned Parenthood says 1 in 3 women will have an abortion, the truth is that for 2017 the ratio is really 1 in 9 and the rate of abortions will drop by 2-3% per year if the trend holds.

So dear friend, the sanctity of life as a concept is increasing well.

Not so good, the rate of sexually active people outside of marriage is not dropping. Good news it’s not increasing.

We have to preach and teach not only the sanctity of life but of marriage.

Build a better life, wait for marriage. Build a better marriage by abstaining from premarital sex.

Remember God has chosen you before time, you had a name and a heart beat in the mind of God before the earth was created. There is a sanctity of life.

The reason you are here is because God chose you to have life and to know him. Our chief purpose in life is to worship and glorify Him who planned your existence before time.

Choose life, choose God, choose Jesus.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

real world

October 28, 2017

1 Peter 1:1-9

1 Peter 1:1-9King James Version (KJV)

1 Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ, to the strangers scattered throughout Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia, and Bithynia,

2 Elect according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, through sanctification of the Spirit, unto obedience and sprinkling of the blood of Jesus Christ: Grace unto you, and peace, be multiplied.

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, which according to his abundant mercy hath begotten us again unto a lively hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,

4 To an inheritance incorruptible, and undefiled, and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you,

5 Who are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.

6 Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations:

7 That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:

8 Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory:

9 Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls.

The way to overcome the world is never to fight worldliness. If you fight worldliness, you are bound to fail. The Bible never tells us to fight worldliness. The Bible says, “This is the victory, even our faith,” not our fight, but our faith. We fight the devil, but we do not fight the world. We flee from fornication, but we cannot flee from the world. The victory that overcomes the world is our faith. Now, people have to understand what they have in the Lord Jesus Christ, and if they don’t understand what they have in the Lord Jesus Christ, they have a hunger that they will try to fill with the world.

the Bible says, “If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him” (1 John 2:15). Now, it doesn’t say that he doesn’t love the Father because he loves the world, but it says if he loves the world, it is because the love of the Father is not in him. The love of the world is only the indication that you don’t know and love God; that your faith has not brought you into a vital relationship with the Lord. The victory that overcomes the world is your faith to understand what you have in the Lord Jesus

it always come down to a choice, choose at that moment of temptation, I can fulfill the lust of the flesh (sex, porn, masturbation, a larger piece of cake, looking to long at the checkout girl etc.) or exercise faith, remember your fight is in your mind, ‘capture all thoughts’ profess your death and resurrection, pray at that moment for the way of escape, like doing the laundry, rinse repeat, don’t sin.

 See the love of the Father. You have to see what you have in the Lord Jesus Christ. And, friend, when you understand what you have in the Lord Jesus Christ, the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace. When you’ve been feasting on Jesus, then you don’t have to hunger after the things of this world. And that’s the key, are you feasting on the things of heaven, listening to gospel music, reading wholesome books, one good thing about you tube I can watch all the old sermons of great preachers. (none were ever on Trinity Broadcasting Network). I like a real bible in my hands, but if it’s the electronic version you have and you will use it, then do so. One reason I like a real bible is that way I stay off ipads, and computers and anything else that would help me step off in the wrong direction.

The Bible teaches that the reason that people love the world is the love of the Father is not in them. They have never found satisfaction in the Lord Jesus Christ.

Have you really had a salvation experience? Did everyone assume you are saved because you’re the pastor’s kid, or you grew up in church. Do you know really know that Jesus is your savior? Does your life say you are?

Think about which you love most.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

Pray for Karen and her husband, they had a huge argument and walk into his study pulled out a gun and shot himself in the head. HE IS STILL A LIVE AND ALREADY BACK HOME.  They’re coming in for counseling. Really, you waited until this to get marriage counseling. Who knows, he said while he was in the hospital; “pastor, I’ve never given my heart to Jesus, is it to late?”

Talk about a second chance.

If you think about it, you will have to agree that sex is a subject frequently addressed in the Scriptures, both Old Testament and New. Though the Bible handles this subject matter much differently than the secular world, it does have much to say on the subject. I can only think of one reason for matters pertaining to sex to be so frequently discussed in the Bible—sexuality must be very closely related to spirituality.

The beliefs and practices of the Corinthian saints seem to vary greatly when it comes to matters of sexual values and conduct. We have already been introduced to the liberal extreme in chapters 5 and 6. In chapter 5, Paul rebukes the church at Corinth for failing to exercise church discipline on a man living in an incestuous relationship with his father’s wife. In the second half of chapter 6 (verses 12-20), Paul confronts those who feel that having sex with a prostitute is not contrary or detrimental to one’s spiritual life. There are those in Corinth whose sexual values are shocking, even to the pagan Corinthians (see 5:1).

What is so sad today is the idea that you can screw your brains out before marriage and then get married and have a great marriage and a normal sex life and a long healthy, happy marriage.

Well here’s the kicker, you can’t. having been a sex addictions counselor and marriage counselor for longer than I like to think. You can screw up your sex life so bad before marriage that you will never be normal. Why lie about it or try to convince yourself it’s all going to work out. It seldom does.

So here’s my advice, 1; protect your virginity. 2; absolutely no pornography. 3; no “other” kinds of sex, like thinking because it’s oral or anal “I’m saving myself.” 4; if you are not married and sexually active STOP. Also stop role playing, it starts our harmless and quickly leads to trouble.

Sex within the confines of marriage, without any kinky weird crap can be beautiful, satisfying and a blessing you will never regret.

No sex toys, no videos that are supposed to ‘help’ your sex life, no Karma Sutra, really you want sex advice from a country steeped in demonism.

Get real counseling from a godly pastor, ignore 99% of those billing themselves as Christian counselors, (they’re not).

And believe this; a person devoted to God can have a great marriage, with lots of help and accountability.

Well this isn’t what I planned but, hey must be for someone.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

think on this

October 8, 2017

Ok, before reading this devotion, remember, I’m not trying to be cruel or a misogynistic Neanderthal. I’m just asking you to think about a topic not ventured on from the pulpit.

There is the mistaken notion that having children will strengthen weak marriages, or that having children will keep a marriage from falling apart. Within this paradigm are individuals who believe that by having children, they themselves will be made complete individuals. The Scripture does teach that children are a blessing from God (Ps 127:3); it does not, however, guarantee that those children will be the resolution to all or any of the personal problems of their parents.

 Having children is not absolutely essential to a happy marriage or relationship to the Lord. Our ultimate joy is in the Lord, not in our children. This needs to be shouted from the rooftops, because many of us have prioritized our children over our spouse and over our God. We may not want to admit this, but deep down we know it’s true. Many married couples determine to stay together for their children. Now don’t get me wrong, that’s very admirable. What’s not so admirable is failing to devote time to your spouse to build a healthy marriage.

I want to bring up a very sensitive topic here, just something for you to think about.

The bible mentions “closing the womb” that it is God who ‘opens’ or ‘closes’ the womb.

The apostle Paul mentions that he would that more adults were like him and unmarried, so they could do more for the Lord.

So here’s the deal; don’t have children because it’s expected, or a tradition or you are being pressured by parents to have grandchildren.

If you are medically unable to have children, consider if this is the Lord’s will and he will bless you in other ways. Don’t torture yourself with drugs and fertility clinics, prayerfully consider what is happening. Your identity is not defined by children.

Before having children make it a matter of prayer to God of if, and when and how many. Scandalous thought right, natural, rhythm, birth control, vasectomies, wow not a hot bible topic. Does ‘be fruitful and multiply’ is it still valid?

Second marriages and previous kids, one word, if the father (non bio) isn’t allowed to be the father and discipline, don’t even bother having a marriage. Find another woman. (I know, stone me) this type of marriage never works and the children end up being intolerable little momma’ boys that don’t respect authority and the girls end up marrying father figures because they never had a good one.

So women, it’s your womb, is it? Or is it God’s.

See I’m devoting this whole week to devotions with no answer by me, you’re going to have to pray about it and figure it out, with God’s guidance.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

RAMBLING MAN

September 16, 2017

Consider the difference between love and lust. “How can it be wrong if it feels so right?” is the excuse many give. But love is not merely a feeling. The supreme test for determining if something is right is not how it feels, but what God says about it. If sin never felt good, no one would ever be tempted to sin. Love is a choice—for you to do what is best for another person, and for you to make a personal sacrifice. “Husbands, love

your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). Count the cost. The excuse “As long as no one knows, no one will be hurt” is a myth. Adultery hurts everyone involved. Guilt and God’s judgment is brought not only upon one person, but both parties involved. Adultery destroys truthfulness, credibility, and one’s testimony. “A man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself” (Proverbs 6:32).

I’ve lost count of the number of pastors that have fallen to lust and believed they had a right, or even it was biblical, or God told them it was all right. One pastor actually convinced his congregation it was biblical for a pastor to have a concubine, which he did. Thank goodness, his denomination found out and kicked him out.

I was asked many years ago to counsel a famous TV evangelist and the denomination told me that if he didn’t make himself accountable to me and follow through with one year of counseling as well as absent himself from the pulpit for that same period, they would defrock him.

In no uncertain terms, he told me his ministry was to important, and God had already forgave him and he didn’t believe the denomination would shut him down. Well it did and today what’s left of his ministry is a shadow of what it was. And he’s still as arrogant and unteachable as always. The funny thing is you will never meet a more legalistic, unforgiving man than him.

A church with a sweet spirit usually has a sweet pastor and vice versa, but there must be accountability. Besides all the bad theology Pentecostals have caused they have created a even bigger monster with the independent pastor, accountable to no one, not in finances or in theology. And thus gave birth to the toxic church.

Friends if your church is causing you harm, or is legalistic or the pastor is accountable to no one, I seriously suggest you examine its viability, and your own spiritual wellbeing. I get phone calls all the time wondering if I can recommend a church and to be honest, finding a church that is theologically sound, full of grace and not legalism, a pastor that is not a tyrant or just padding his bank account and truly evangelical. Well let’s say it’s harder than you think.

A few years back some well-known pastors got together and asked some pastors if they would take a survey and submit one month of sermons to be examined by a well-respected group of elders and pastors. In a city of 2 million, only one church went along with the plan. That church is a thriving, well regulated, healthy church and has gone through 4 building programs and didn’t build until they had the cash and would not go into debt.

Once when on a sabbatical, I visited a dozen or so churches and I always asked the pastor if I could see his bible. If the bible was blank (no notes) usually so was the pastor.

So good luck in your church hunting.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

cuts like a knife

September 7, 2017

I was asked to do some counseling at a major college today, and do a group therapy session and then presentation to an auditorium full of young girls. The reason, cutting and self mutilation has become epidemic on the campus.

For the most part, she’s like any other teenage kid. Sometimes brash, sometimes sweet; sometimes mature, sometimes childlike; sometimes carefree, sometimes melancholy. It’s those melancholy times that set her apart. She carves her pain into her arms with a razor blade, or burns it into her flesh with a lighter.

She’s not alone.  As its publicity grows through movies, TV shows, books and music, so do the number of teens (and preteens) who try it.  CNN now reports that 1 in 5 teens have intentionally harmed themselves at least once. Many try it initially because it’s trendy (especially in goth and emo subcultures), but move on.

A portion continue the behavior as stress management or punishment or because of the addictive high they get.

Most of the habitual self-injurers are girls. Many of them are high achievers, have eating disorders, and/or have been abused. Most feel high levels of pressure, stress or expectations. The most prevalent self-mutilation is cutting, but behaviors like burning, choking, and throwing oneself down stairs aren’t uncommon. Though violent, self-injury is not a suicide attempt.

Unfortunately, because awareness of the behavior is so new, medical and mental health professionals often don’t know what to do with these patients. Parents bring their kids to a professional for hope, but end up even more discouraged when that expert tells them she or he can’t help their child. Think of it as the early days of AIDS. Most doctors were as confused as anyone else. It’s the same here. Most organizations specializing in cutting, self-injury and self-mutilation are created by laypeople directly affected by the problem. The medical community has pockets of advancement, but they’re slow in coming.

Behavior to watch for includes trouble dealing with stress, has an eating disorder, covers their arms or legs in all weather (wearing long-sleeved shirts, wide bracelets or sweatbands on their wrists, avoids swimming, etc) and explains away injuries.

If someone you know is a self-injurer, getting specialized help quickly is key. Find experts who deal specifically with this problem. They may need to be removed from people and media that encourage the behavior. They will also need your prayer support, unconditional love and a shame-free safe environment. For most habitual self-injurers, the problem won’t go away on it’s own. Our kids are under attack, and they need people to stand up and rescue them.

you need to check your kids social networks on a regular basis. Put a software program on your computer that will track and also keep them from web sites that can promote this behavior.

Don’t be shocked, Girls as young as nine years old are being pressured to have sex. I’m just going to be blunt here, let your young girl dress like a slut at age 7 and up and you are putting them at risk. Seriously,  get rid of your TV. no computer in the bedroom, have a community computer in the kitchen or dining room. Put locks on your kids bedroom windows to keep them from sneaking out. Put tracking programs on their cellphones.

It’s 1984 and your Big Brother. don’t be naive, talk to your kids everyday, about every topic in the world so they will talk to you about anything and everything.

Don’t put your head in the sand. My daughter was raped at church camp, cutting became her way of dealing with it. It’s taken 30 years for her to deal with it and be a healthy young woman physically, mentally and spiritually.

if you feel your in over your head get help.

God Bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

lasso that horse, partner

September 2, 2017

the Bible never says that the way to deal with lust is to pray about it. It commands me to flee (1 Cor. 6:18). It says that I should cleanse myself from all defilement of flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God (2 Cor. 7:1). It commands me to walk in the Spirit so that I won’t fulfill the lusts of the flesh (Gal. 5:16). Pray, yes! But don’t just pray: Obey!

God puts the active responsibility for obedience in sexual purity on me. Somehow we’ve gotten the mixed‑up idea that actively to deny lust in obedience to the Lord involves the flesh. So we pray for deliverance and go on disobeying as if we can’t help it until that magic moment happens. But Paul never says, “Let go and let God give you victory over lust.” He says, “Run!” He says that the grace of God teaches us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires (Titus 2:11‑12). I need to do it and can do it! Otherwise, God wouldn’t command me to do it.

Part of fleeing is guarding myself in advance. I used to play games with this. I would go into a store to look at the news magazines (so I told myself). After a few minutes of doing that, I would find myself thumbing through Playboy or Penthouse, which were always conveniently nearby. (“How could I help it, Lord?”) But now I avoid stores where I could be tempted to browse through sexually explicit magazines. The man in Proverbs 7 wouldn’t have wound up in bed with the loose woman if he hadn’t first gone near the corner where she lived (see Prov. 7:8).

I’ve heard Christian speakers say that one way to guard against sexual sin is to be satisfied with your wife. It’s true that being sexually satisfied with her helps me not to be lured by lust for others. But I’m uncomfortable with the approach which puts the focus on my needs rather than on my responsibility.

My responsibility as a Christian husband is not to satisfy myself, but to satisfy my wife. I’ve found that my sexual satisfaction is the result of seeking to meet her needs on every level—spiritual, emotional, and physical. When I focus on that, she responds and my sexual needs are met.

A lot of men are sexually frustrated in their marriages because they approach sex to meet their own needs. Jesus’ words about seeking your life and losing it and losing your life to find it (Mark 8:35) apply to sex in marriage. If I approach my wife to satisfy my needs, neither of us feels fulfilled. But if I work at pleasing her, then I’m deeply satisfied. The best sexual times for me are when my wife is pleased.

I’ve had to tear down my sexual expectations which were built from Hollywood and Playboy and rebuild them from Scripture. The world promotes my needs above all else. It knows nothing of the self‑sacrifice which our Lord taught. Many Christians have unwittingly bought into this philosophy: “If my wife can’t meet my sexual needs, then I’ll have to meet them some other way. But my needs must be met.” But the Lord’s way is that I am to love my wife sacrificially as Christ loved the church. The blessed irony is that when I work at that, my needs are abundantly met. I can honestly say with gusto, “They have been!”

Dwight Eisenhower once said, “War is a terrible thing. But if you’re going to get into it, you’ve got to get into it all the way.” That’s true in the war against lust. You won’t win by being halfway into it. But if you’ll get into the battle all the way—God’s way, using His strategy—you can win!

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

WIVES, WOMEN AND MOTHERS

August 22, 2017

Christ is not like a bridegroom; he is the bridegroom. Similarly, the church is not like a bride; the church is the bride. When the angel in Revelation says, “Come, I will show you the bride, the wife of the Lamb” (Rev 21:9), the Lamb’s bride is the model for all human brides.

 Within the church, both men and women are Christ’s bride. And in our vocations we are all called to be Christ to one another. But as the apostle Paul makes clear, within the vocation of marriage husbands are called to play the role of Christ to their wives while wives are called to play the role of the church to their husbands (see Eph 5:25). Wives are like the church. Simply put, one’s understanding of wives will be colored by one’s understanding of the church.

Being a wife is not a dirty word, regardless of how Hollywood depicts them. The bible says wives are a blessing.

 Here are three ways women can embody the church through the vocation of a wife:

  1. Be receptive—The relationship between Christ and the church is two-way. Christ gives up everything for the church, who, in response, gives up everything for him. Both give. Within marriage, a husband is called to love his wife as Christ loved the church. As a wife, a woman should receive that sacrifice with joy, and in turn, offer up her own life to her husband.

  2. Give respect and love—Curiously, while husbands are commanded to love their wives, wives are never commanded to love their husbands. However, we know from Scripture that all believers are to respect and love each other (see Col 3:12–14). So it is clear that in a marital relationship, love and respect are key for both the husband and the wife.

  3. Submit—Part of the problem in discussing marriage or any vocation is that qualities the Bible holds as virtue our contemporary culture holds in contempt, But all Christians are called to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph 5:21). Both husbands and wives submit to each other as a way of trusting God and imitating Christ.

The Apostle Paul would delineate when he wrote when it was of God and when it was his personal opinion.

Well here’s my two cents worth. The age of when women marry is getting older and older, the age where women get pregnant and have children is getting older and older. And for some weird reason, white couples are having less children than any other race. I don’t know what that means but it just makes you wonder where everything is heading.

Parents don’t have families any more they have biological progeny that are raised by someone other than themselves. Ok I’ve got to quit right there or I’m going to end up with a 20 page rant.

God bless women, wives and mothers.

Blessings from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

Christian Lampoon

August 13, 2017

Chevy Chase/Billy Joel Poster

It seems there is much misunderstanding of the developing Christian life. For fear of one cause we run from another, much disinformation is abounding, and we have now developed “Box Christians”.  We read the labels and have “Christian Lite” vs. “Full Gospel” and “Dominion Christians” the “Tongue Waggers” and the “Lord, Your lucky to have me group” and let’s not forget the “Lord fill my Wallet” group (which is a twofer group) the cheats and the swindlers preachers and the dumb as a stone pew warmer that swallows it all. Then we have the “puffers and fluffers” they always have a ‘special’ word from the Lord and look down their noses at you because you’ll never reach their level. The interesting thing about them is there is a whole herd of these swine, and as they look down their noses at you as they roll in their own filth. They’ll cast the first stone, yet their computers are filled with porn, they lie and gossip and rob pastors of time and effort and make them weary and discouraged because nothing ever changes and they run off every visitor. Then there are dung heap Christians, as they lie in their own filth they claim in loud voices how excellent and shiny they are.

Is it any wonder why we have over 2000 different denominations in America, and a new church (always built on a split) on every corner.

So we choose churches like we choose cereals, we look at the cover and does something appeal to some innate sense of inner peace. Earth tones that calm or bright colors that attract us like a magpie. Or the pastor is famous and doesn’t take a salary because his sugar-coated books lull each one into a sleep coma so deep they’ll never hear the trumpet sound.

Then we read the ingredients, no tithing expected, sin never spelled out, little faith needed, padded pews or padded chairs (even better so we can move them and not sit too close to those not enlightened as we are group). There’s no counseling provided because we don’t need no stinkin counseling, the bible is the latest Jesus is homogenized version that you could substitute any one’s name in. oh and in the parking lot there is a drive through lane for communion, a happy meal and your prescriptions refilled.

Then there’s the mid week bible study, where the rich go to the rich homes and the poor stay home as they don’t have the gas to spare.

And the latest trend the social do-gooders, these are one of the fastest growing churches in America. They specialize in “threshold people” (we used to call them homeless). We don’t have any problems and can’t abide any sermon directed at us. But with enough air fresheners and we make sure we pee before we go to church so we won’t set on the same toilet and catch something or see them in the restroom peddling drugs, blowjobs and smokes. Ok, we lost all our old folks from church because they smell funny too and talk about the way it used to be and the good old days. So between the unwashed and 18 piece hyper amplified band with two drum sets, choreographed fat women in spandex and banners wiggling out with their rumps “oh how we love Jesus” 47 times. The hymnals are gone and we’re paying a worship director twice what the pastor is paid to give us a light show and colors and unicorns dancing on the walls as we sing songs that might be about Jesus or some gay guy, honestly, we can’t tell any more only somebody loves somebody a lot.

Welcome to the new, extra crunchy, won’t get soggy, varnished Clark Griswold totally non-nutritious church service.

Isn’t Jesus wonderful, just like a warm blanket just pulled from the dryer. (sorry I have to puke now)

I don’t have a migraine or a brain tumor and there is no rancor or sour grapes. Just deep sorrow as we have a religion one inch deep 3000 miles wide and the nation is going to hell in a handbasket as we have no roots and religion is like being gay, we just have to keep it private and in our bedrooms and oh wait, only Christian have to hide, the gays are out and teaching your kids in boy scouts how to camp, crochet and start a fire with a Bic.

scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com probably fighting the crowd out front with torches and pitch forks now, oh, and by the way, it’s not really Frankenstein anymore, it is really the Freudian version of a confused transgender guy. And the gospel is a hate crime.

I’m playing Jimi Hendrix’s Manic Depression right now, turn it up!

Questions, comments, prayer requests to the email address please.