bite me

June 21, 2018

RUST STAIN

After thousands of devotional posts, 99% of them with no political axe to grind I’ve come to the point where I have to act as a counter balance against my own evangelical brothers.

Jesus is not a democrat, nor is he a republican. Son of God, Lord and God almighty but not an endorser of illegal alien children.

Fact #1, the Muslims want only 3 things, a; join them, b, be taxed by them, or c; die, that’s it, join, pay or die. There is no peace only a sword.

Fact #2. All these illegal aliens, emphasis on illegal, are coming for one thing, to rob us of all that’s decent and good about America. They want to suck on the teat of the liberal, left wing democrats and rob hard working Americans of everything we have built. They are welfare rats that are going to sink the ship.

Now, I’m not against immigrants, my grandfather was a legal immigrant from Holland, my great father from Ireland. They legally came here and worked all their lives. Fought in the military. We have a family heritage of soldiers, law enforcement, coal miners, lumberjacks. Hard working, pay your taxes go to church folks.

You cannot use the bible on this issue. Illegal children grow up to be illegal adults.

Have there been exceptions, yes, there have. But even the millions of legal Hispanics are yelling build the wall. They came here for the American dream of work. Go to college, pay your own way.

And since I live in Texas build a wall that keeps Californians out as well, don’t legalize pot.

Well, my blood pressure is up so I better stop, if you’re offended by any of this “bite me”. Jesus loves you any way you moron.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

4 R UMAX     PL-II            V1.4 [5]

THESE ARE USUALLY IN THE DOG BOWL IF I FORGET TO CLOSE THE SCREEN DOOR.

Everything here wants to bite me.

I thought life was supposed to get easier in old age, hah!

Not happening, I have an evening routine

Step one, it’s 10pm time for a final trip around the ranch.

Step two, put on my jeans, slip my .45 into its holster, lace up my boots, put on my hat and grab two flashlights. One is a tactical light the other a flood light.

Step three, pick up my Mossberg, 12 gauge with three loads, the first is double 00, the second a turkey load, the third is a slug, repeat, there is a light on the shotgun.

Step four, turn off the alarm on the first door.

Step five, go to the front door turn on the flood lights.

Step six, go to the garage door turn on the flood lights.

Step seven, hit the master switch and the yard and barn lights come on.

Step eight. Step out side and sweep the south yard for racoons or porcupines.

Step nine, sweep the west side, more raccoons or pole cats or bob cats.

Step ten hit the north side, watch for 300 to 400 lbs wild pigs, or skunks, or once every five years a mountain lion.

Step eleven, sweep the east side, usually a herd of 10-12 Axis deer.

Step twelve back to the south side where I radio my wife to let the dogs out.

Then repeat steps 2-11, then put the dogs back in, turn out all the lights , turn on the alarm. Put my wife to bed, and then write the devotional post for the night.

You gotta love the Texas hill country, fire ants, rattlers, black widow spiders and now that the drought has started, a house full of scorpions. I usually get bit at least 3 times a year, at least one in shower.

Two legged varmints I hardly worry about, it’s 13 miles into town. And not much in between. And they have to get past all the cattle fences, and all the other creatures I’m trying to not get bit by.

Oh yeah, a bible verse, He is my rod, my staff and my shield, but I also pick up a colt 1911 just to be on the safe side.

Whew, I’m worn out and that just the evening after dark routine, forget all the other animals, chores and equipment, pumps, wells, water tanks…

Praise God for country living.

Prayer requests, comments, questions, send to scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

If I remember we will have another bible give away this week, I picked up some nice bibles this week. Already gave several away to people while going around town.

Blessings.

WARNING ADULT CONTENT=FRANK DISCUSSION ON SEX

MEDICALLY INDUCED SEXUALITY

SHORT VERSION, I’M AGAINST IT.

THE UNINGREDIBLE MR. LIMPET

So, in my many pastoral roles as psychologist, sex therapist, sex addiction counselor, marriage and family counselor, violent sex offender counselor and victim therapist, prison chaplain, plus my varied checkered past. I have heard, seen, and witnessed every good and deviant sex act.

So first an assumption. You are married, your wife has gone through menopause, you’re over 55 years old, and you have been married to each other a long time.

Long is a relative term. You’ve had a good marriage, you are friends, pals, partners and you have figured out the yin and yang of the marriage. You have not defiled your marriage, no affairs, no porn, no sex toys and you are Christians.

If you don’t fall into these categories, go read the comics or file it away for a rainy day.

If you need medicine in order to have sex or have the drive, then I would advise it is time to put the horse in the barn and leave it there.

Concentrate on all the other areas of marriage enrichment. Non sexual intimacy, cuddling, conversation, communication, sharing and enjoying the discovery of your God given mate.

After 44 years of marriage, my wife still surprises me, like a diamond, there always seems to be a new facet to her personality. We are still learning who we are.

I bring this topic up because if you don’t prepare for this stage of marriage. And if your marriage was based on sex. Then good luck on having a pleasant time. And especially you men. You were only a sex god in your own mind. The emotional needs of your wife have grown more not less.

so here’s to reality, and don’t believe all the ‘studies’ of those over 60 that say it’s the best sex of their life. Mr. Limpet it’s not possible. Notice there are no bible verses in this devotion. It’s only an opinion, everybody has one.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

Okay I don’t think I’ve told this story before, but after 2000 devotional posts it’s hard to keep them all straight. But since it’s a funny story I’ll risk repeating it.

So there is the typical little old lady, she has never been married, was a schoolteacher all of her life and she had never owned a pet before. So she is in her late 80s when she calls me and asks for a visit. She lives in a HUD apartment building and tells me on the phone that I need to be careful when coming in because of the shady characters.

I find her apartment and knock on the door, she opens the door and she says “well things have changed since you’ve last been here, I now have a parakeet named Elvis”.

So I walk into her apartment and sit down at a little dining table, it’s basically an efficiency apartment, and there on a TV tray is a small cage with a parakeet. Evelyn tells me that she loves this bird more than anything she’s ever loved in her whole life, and she knows that this bird loves her more than anything in its life because it is so loyal and so affectionate.

After making sure the door to the apartment is securely closed and locked, she goes over to the cage and lets Elvis out. And she is just going on and on about how much this parakeet loves her and how much she loves him and how when she sets down the bird it is going to set on her shoulder and nuzzle her ear. And instead, the bird lands on my shoulder and starts playing with my beard. To say that Evelyn is a little bit upset or jealous would be an understatement and she accuses me of robbing her of the bird’s affection.

I am trying to get Elvis to leave my shoulder and fly over to Evelyn, so very carefully I pick up the bird and set him on the table. Where he promptly flies down to the floor and starts pulling on my shoelace. Evelyn who’s really too old to look under the table is setting there in more than mild frustration going “Elvis” “Elvis where are you, Elvis?” “Where are you?” At which point Elvis has decided to go up my pant leg, which trust me is not my idea of a good time.

So now I have both my hands around my knee trying to stop Elvis from going any farther up my pant leg than anybody needs to really go. And Evelyn is standing now quite flushed and agitated that the bird is not calling out or responding by flying to her and she is in great distress. Meanwhile, I am in great distress, because I do not know how to nonchalantly get a parakeet out of my pants, I don’t want to hurt the bird nor do I want Evelyn to know that the bird has decided to become more intimate with me than with her.

Evelyn goes into the bathroom to see if the bird has maybe flown in there. Now I’d like to say that I quickly dropped my pants but that’s really not something you can do when you wear suspenders. So as quick as I can I take off my suitcoat, undo my suspenders, down goes my zipper and drop my pants to my ankles hoping I can grab the bird without breaking its tiny little neck, put it on the table and pull up my pants, zip up, put on my suspenders, put my suitcoat back on, all in the space of about two seconds before Evelyn, a woman in her late 80s who as far as I know has never seen a pair of men’s underwear, let alone my hairy legs standing half naked in her living room.

Well thank the Lord for small favors, the bird was safely deposited on the table, I am back to being fully clothed, and just in the nick of time Evelyn comes out of the bathroom and sees Elvis sitting at the table. And thank goodness the bird flew to her shoulder and began to kiss her cheek to which Evelyn was very ecstatic and forgave the bird, but I’m not sure she forgave me.

I’d like to say that was the end of the story, but she asked for us to have a little prayer because when you pray Elvis bows his head. So I say a prayer, Elvis bows his head and when I say amen the bird says amen. At which point I’ve decided it is more than time for me to exit the building.

Evelyn assures me that the bird because it loves her so much will not leave her shoulder and that I can exit the apartment with no fear of Elvis leaving her. Well you know what happens, I open the door to leave and the bird leaves with me, quickly flies down the hallway and then comes back and perches on the top of my head. There I am in the hallway and Evelyn instead of blaming the bird says that I have wronged her and have stolen the affections of Elvis.

And I’m thinking here I am in the middle of a HUD apartment in a rather unsavory neighborhood with a parakeet sitting on my head and an old lady yelling at me that I have stolen Elvis and his affection. Again a short little prayer that I can grab the bird without it flying off and two, that I don’t break its neck when I grab the bird and three that when I hand the bird back to Evelyn she doesn’t do anything rash or drastic and calms down.

Very seldom in my ministry can I say that I actually handed somebody the bird, nor is it often that I can say that I have stolen the affection of Elvis, but that is just one more event in a day of ministry.

God bless Evelyn and Elvis and to all our lonely seniors, keep them in prayer.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

a man and a woman

March 4, 2018

Not the Lord, just me. After 40 years of being a marriage counselor, let me offer some extra advice not usually found in a pastoral manual. (and please, this is just me being non-serious, that means I think I am funny).

Women, never date a man who has the following;

  1. More shoes than you

  2. More skin products than you

  3. More clothes than you

  4. Owns a cat

  5. Talks with “air quotes”

  6. Talks in the 3rd person

  7. Smells like mold

  8. Smokes pot

  9. Lives with his mother

  • Drives a jacked-up jeep or pickup truck and lives in the city

  • Can’t get a letter of reference from his pastor

  1. Doesn’t pass a criminal check

  2. Can’t pass a credit check

  3. Doesn’t carry a pocket knife

  4. Wants sex on the first date or expected after an expensive meal.

Men, never date a woman that;

  1. Owns cat, especially more than one

  2. Has paths forged through her house between all the unwashed laundry.

  3. Has rechargeable batteries by the case load in her bedroom.

  4. Doesn’t own a flashlight.

  5. Smells

  6. Can’t cook

  7. Constantly compares you to her father

  8. Offers sex on the first date

  9. Has a restraining order against her last 5 boyfriends

  10. Suffers from migraines more than 3 days and her personality seems to change each time.

  11. Tells you about her little friend visiting, toe fungus or the statement “it’s only a rash.

  12. Has any condoms in her purse or in the glove box of her car or taped to the underside of her coffee table

  13. Doesn’t carry a pocket knife.

  14. The freezer is stocked with tv dinners

  • Talks in the third person about her feminine parts

  1. When she talks about shots, she doesn’t mean Jim Beam

So, a complete list no, but just something to get you thinking.

A marriage is still supposed to be forever, not just for a while.

Mark 10:9: “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Ephesians 5:25-33: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

Seriously, take into consideration what makes a good marriage partner, and most of all pray for God to put the right person in your life.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

Hee Haw

February 8, 2018

Hee Haw

Somebody asked me the other day why I preach more from the Old Testament

than the New Testament. My answer was instant, heartfelt and I don’t think I’ll

change my mind anytime soon.

It’s the same reason I’ve called this devotional site “scum like us church”

I personally relate better to the people of the O.T. their failures, their quirks, their

constant failing. When asked ‘whom am I more like in the O.T.’ my answer is

quick, simple and still probably not going to change; Balaam’s Ass, (because I’m

still surprised what comes out of my mouth) and Samson (a good looking woman

still turns my head, and physical strength has helped me get through a lot of

scrapes).

Most people just shake their head and walk away, a few will say “you’re kidding”

some will smile, some get insulted. I can’t see myself ever saying I’m like the

apostle Paul or like any other apostle for that much, even Thomas with all his

doubts still beats me at my best .

I love all the Greek word studies of the N.T. and the book of Romans and

Colossians will probably always be my favorites. But when it comes to the O.T.

flawed folks rock.

So like any good country song here’s to all the screwed up people we know.

God bless

Prayer request for me, pray for my neck, talk about screwed up, (no I didn’t twist

it looking at a pretty girl) I’m in some serious pain. Thank you to all the wonderful

people that keep encouraging me to keep writing these devotions.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

funny face

January 14, 2018

I have a good friend who because of a couple strokes he can’t smile. He’s a preacher. Now if you are wondering what one has to do with the other, here we go.

Because he looks so serious his congregation has developed into a serious crowd as well and a little legalistic. All this from not smiling. (possible?)

Then there’s Jerry, another preacher that is always laughing, playing practical jokes and his congregation is pretty much like him.

The non-funny thing is the serious preacher has a more mature congregation both in age and in the Lord. Jerry’s congregation is younger (he’s 75) and less mature in the Lord.

What ‘s my point, the goal of every preacher is to give a congregation a conscious in tune with the Love of God. They should have godly thinking that leads to a right heart. Can you be serious, sure, can you be funny sure. But in either case you must be thorough, all the Word of God, all the principles.

What come first, heart or mind. I’m going to say the best balance is the mind, then the heart will follow. A mind set on God makes a heart following God.

So a preacher that concentrates on emotions and feelings will have a congregation without maturity and principles. Their Christian walk will be a whirlwind of emotions, a roller coaster walk.

The sound biblical expositor will have a mature congregation and more sure of everything. The church will gravitate towards sound thinking and there will be less church problems. If the pastor is firm.

Aye, and there’s the rub, (been a while since I said that). To many Christian’s today want a socially acceptable church that doesn’t invade their privacy.

I’m going to stop right there and let you ponder that for a while.

God bless and peace in your life. From scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

WHOOPS

December 23, 2017

WHOOPS!

I’ve lost track of how many mistakes I’ve made in the ministry. Saying the wrong names during a wedding ceremony (you should see the looks, especially if the name you said was an ex boy/girl friend). Or because nobody smokes in church no way to light a unity candle. Or the bride sticks the candle under her veil to blow it out and poof, there goes the veil and about a pound of hairspray, and now we have a bride with no eyebrows, veil and singed hair.

How about saying your so glad to be in this church (as a guest speaker and get the wrong name). showing up at the wrong church to preach.

Or leaving your label mike on when you go to the bathroom.

Your  zipper’s down and you have a plexiglass pulpit.

But the one that really sticks out in my mind is a river baptism (my first) I’m baptizing Wendel Blanton. 6’8 and 324lbs. he’s a new believer, shy, timid always afraid of hurting someone because of his size. And down he goes for baptism, under the water and somehow, I lost my grip and away he goes.

The look on my face, everyone knew something was wrong. And no sign of Wendel. I mean zip.

It seemed like eternity when up he pops about 30 yards downstream, with this huge smile on his face. And he just booms; “Pastor, that was so wonderful, I truly felt the presence of the Lord.”

Everyone starts clapping and shouting, he takes a step forward and totally disappears. He’s stepped in a huge hole. Up he pops again. I think by then every single person rushed out to get him, they couldn’t take the stress.

While ol’ Wendel is grabbing everyone and hugging them and dropping them in the water and now every one is rushing back as this has turned out (in their minds to be highly undignified). Everyone s back on shore and Wendel goes “Pastor, can I get baptized again next year?”

You know I said yes. Whoops.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

BUTT RUBBERS

November 29, 2017

audrey

BUTT RUBBERS

WAIT, IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!

So K9’s have been a big part of my life. Dogs, I like them more than people. Dogs outnumber the people in my house.

So back when I did dog placement of pups for the military I always told people please lavish all the attention you want on a dog, BUT DO NOT RUB THEIR BUTTS.

But people do it because their so needy for affection and attention so they start rubbing the dog’s butt and because dogs like that and act all goofy and happy, it almost ruins a dog for training.

Almost.

Butt rubbing increases a dog’s carnal nature, when I want a dog that will save a life I need it facing me, not backing up and sticking its butt on my leg wanting a butt rub.

The dog has to be deprogramed to a different reward system, that doesn’t include butt rubbing.

Well there, I said butt rubbing as much a possible. Here’s the flip side for us humans.

According to the Greek dictionary, it means to have the nature and characteristics of the flesh (or more simply, it means “fleshly”). What, then , is the flesh? Sometimes it refers to the whole material part of man (1 Corinthians 15:39; Hebrews 5:7), and based on this meaning, carnal sometimes relates to material things like money (Romans 15:27) or to the opposite of our weapons of spiritual warfare (2 Corinthians 10:4). But the word flesh also has a metaphorical sense when it refers to our disposition to sin and to oppose or omit God in our lives. The flesh is characterized by works that include lusts and passions (Galatians 5:19-24; I John 2:16); it can enslave (Romans 7:25); and in it is nothing good (Romans 7:18). Based on this meaning of the word flesh, to be carnal means to be characterized by things that belong to the unsaved life (Ephesians 2:3).

“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory” (Col. 3:1–4).

You want to be a super Christian? That’s it, tame carnality, stop the fleshly part, the carnal, craving, lusting, fallen, screwed up part of your life. For men it means stop letting your little head rule your big head.

So that’s the secret to a victorious Christian life, no butt rubbing.

Hopefully you see the serious part of this and haven’t fallen out of your chair laughing and hurt yourself.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 And if your offended by this post have someone rub your butt.

I’M WITH STUPID

November 23, 2017

Image result for A PICTURE OF A BIRDHOUSE

A “do it yourself” catalog firm received the following letter from one of its customers: “I built a birdhouse according to your stupid plans, and not only is it much too big, it keeps blowing out of the tree. Signed, Unhappy.”

The firm replied: “Dear Unhappy, We’re sorry about the mix-up. We accidentally sent you a sailboat blueprint. But if you think you are unhappy, you should read the letter from the guy who came in last in the yacht club regatta.”

Once a spider built a beautiful web in an old house. He kept it clean and shiny so that flies would patronize it. The minute he got a “customer” he would clean up on him so the other flies would not get suspicious. Then one day this fairly intelligent fly came buzzing by the clean spider web. Old man spider called out, “Come in and sit.” But the fairly intelligent fly said, “No, sir. I don’t see other flies in your house, and I am not going in alone!” But presently he saw on the floor below a large crowd of flies dancing around on a piece of brown paper. He was delighted! He was not afraid if lots of flies were doing it. So he came in for a landing. Just before he landed, a bee zoomed by, saying, “Don’t land there, stupid! That’s flypaper!” But the fairly intelligent fly shouted back, “Don’t be silly. Those flies are dancing. There’s a big crowd there. Everybody’s doing it. That many flies can’t be wrong!” Well, you know what happened. He died on the spot. Some of us want to be with the crowd to badly that we end up in a mess. What does it profit a fly (or a person) if he escapes the web only to end up in the glue?

Charles Swindoll

The one good thing about growing older is you make less stupid mistakes (hopefully).

I have a parishioner that doesn’t have dementia, but she loves saying outlandish things, making funny faces and sometimes being rather childish, if anybody says anything she just says; “dementia.” When I asked her why she said she had a very strict childhood and a dominating husband and this was her chance to break the mold.

Or the guy I met that passes anyone he meets with a card that has some weird made up medical term and an explanation that he will probably offend you, it’s a kind of Tourette’s syndrome, and at the bottom of the card it says ‘turnover’ and the other sides says; “I’m really just an a$$hole.

We all know people like this and yes you can train yourself to be stupid.

Self-destructive behavior is stupidity run amok, and as the comedian says; “you can’t fix stupid.”

And the bible agrees, the fool, the unteachable, the rebellious, the reprobate, all possibly bound for hell because they won’t stop being what they are.

So look at the things you do in your life and are any of them stupid. Then ask your self why you are doing such things. And just like AA, stop, get help.

Now I have to say there’s one caveat to this little rant, know the difference between stupid and careless. The latter can be fixed, and it really is a poor excuse that only makes you look…..(you got it) stupid.

So clean up your act, stop making excuses, stop saying it’s an addiction, just stop, you can, you’ve done it before. Is it hard, yes being obedient is always harder to do than being careless.

But ask yourself, right at this moment did God lead you to read this giant stop sign. It might be your last chance, you may want to think about.

Blessings from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com