Hee Haw

February 8, 2018

Hee Haw

Somebody asked me the other day why I preach more from the Old Testament

than the New Testament. My answer was instant, heartfelt and I don’t think I’ll

change my mind anytime soon.

It’s the same reason I’ve called this devotional site “scum like us church”

I personally relate better to the people of the O.T. their failures, their quirks, their

constant failing. When asked ‘whom am I more like in the O.T.’ my answer is

quick, simple and still probably not going to change; Balaam’s Ass, (because I’m

still surprised what comes out of my mouth) and Samson (a good looking woman

still turns my head, and physical strength has helped me get through a lot of

scrapes).

Most people just shake their head and walk away, a few will say “you’re kidding”

some will smile, some get insulted. I can’t see myself ever saying I’m like the

apostle Paul or like any other apostle for that much, even Thomas with all his

doubts still beats me at my best .

I love all the Greek word studies of the N.T. and the book of Romans and

Colossians will probably always be my favorites. But when it comes to the O.T.

flawed folks rock.

So like any good country song here’s to all the screwed up people we know.

God bless

Prayer request for me, pray for my neck, talk about screwed up, (no I didn’t twist

it looking at a pretty girl) I’m in some serious pain. Thank you to all the wonderful

people that keep encouraging me to keep writing these devotions.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

funny face

January 14, 2018

I have a good friend who because of a couple strokes he can’t smile. He’s a preacher. Now if you are wondering what one has to do with the other, here we go.

Because he looks so serious his congregation has developed into a serious crowd as well and a little legalistic. All this from not smiling. (possible?)

Then there’s Jerry, another preacher that is always laughing, playing practical jokes and his congregation is pretty much like him.

The non-funny thing is the serious preacher has a more mature congregation both in age and in the Lord. Jerry’s congregation is younger (he’s 75) and less mature in the Lord.

What ‘s my point, the goal of every preacher is to give a congregation a conscious in tune with the Love of God. They should have godly thinking that leads to a right heart. Can you be serious, sure, can you be funny sure. But in either case you must be thorough, all the Word of God, all the principles.

What come first, heart or mind. I’m going to say the best balance is the mind, then the heart will follow. A mind set on God makes a heart following God.

So a preacher that concentrates on emotions and feelings will have a congregation without maturity and principles. Their Christian walk will be a whirlwind of emotions, a roller coaster walk.

The sound biblical expositor will have a mature congregation and more sure of everything. The church will gravitate towards sound thinking and there will be less church problems. If the pastor is firm.

Aye, and there’s the rub, (been a while since I said that). To many Christian’s today want a socially acceptable church that doesn’t invade their privacy.

I’m going to stop right there and let you ponder that for a while.

God bless and peace in your life. From scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

WHOOPS

December 23, 2017

WHOOPS!

I’ve lost track of how many mistakes I’ve made in the ministry. Saying the wrong names during a wedding ceremony (you should see the looks, especially if the name you said was an ex boy/girl friend). Or because nobody smokes in church no way to light a unity candle. Or the bride sticks the candle under her veil to blow it out and poof, there goes the veil and about a pound of hairspray, and now we have a bride with no eyebrows, veil and singed hair.

How about saying your so glad to be in this church (as a guest speaker and get the wrong name). showing up at the wrong church to preach.

Or leaving your label mike on when you go to the bathroom.

Your  zipper’s down and you have a plexiglass pulpit.

But the one that really sticks out in my mind is a river baptism (my first) I’m baptizing Wendel Blanton. 6’8 and 324lbs. he’s a new believer, shy, timid always afraid of hurting someone because of his size. And down he goes for baptism, under the water and somehow, I lost my grip and away he goes.

The look on my face, everyone knew something was wrong. And no sign of Wendel. I mean zip.

It seemed like eternity when up he pops about 30 yards downstream, with this huge smile on his face. And he just booms; “Pastor, that was so wonderful, I truly felt the presence of the Lord.”

Everyone starts clapping and shouting, he takes a step forward and totally disappears. He’s stepped in a huge hole. Up he pops again. I think by then every single person rushed out to get him, they couldn’t take the stress.

While ol’ Wendel is grabbing everyone and hugging them and dropping them in the water and now every one is rushing back as this has turned out (in their minds to be highly undignified). Everyone s back on shore and Wendel goes “Pastor, can I get baptized again next year?”

You know I said yes. Whoops.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

BUTT RUBBERS

November 29, 2017

audrey

BUTT RUBBERS

WAIT, IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!

So K9’s have been a big part of my life. Dogs, I like them more than people. Dogs outnumber the people in my house.

So back when I did dog placement of pups for the military I always told people please lavish all the attention you want on a dog, BUT DO NOT RUB THEIR BUTTS.

But people do it because their so needy for affection and attention so they start rubbing the dog’s butt and because dogs like that and act all goofy and happy, it almost ruins a dog for training.

Almost.

Butt rubbing increases a dog’s carnal nature, when I want a dog that will save a life I need it facing me, not backing up and sticking its butt on my leg wanting a butt rub.

The dog has to be deprogramed to a different reward system, that doesn’t include butt rubbing.

Well there, I said butt rubbing as much a possible. Here’s the flip side for us humans.

According to the Greek dictionary, it means to have the nature and characteristics of the flesh (or more simply, it means “fleshly”). What, then , is the flesh? Sometimes it refers to the whole material part of man (1 Corinthians 15:39; Hebrews 5:7), and based on this meaning, carnal sometimes relates to material things like money (Romans 15:27) or to the opposite of our weapons of spiritual warfare (2 Corinthians 10:4). But the word flesh also has a metaphorical sense when it refers to our disposition to sin and to oppose or omit God in our lives. The flesh is characterized by works that include lusts and passions (Galatians 5:19-24; I John 2:16); it can enslave (Romans 7:25); and in it is nothing good (Romans 7:18). Based on this meaning of the word flesh, to be carnal means to be characterized by things that belong to the unsaved life (Ephesians 2:3).

“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory” (Col. 3:1–4).

You want to be a super Christian? That’s it, tame carnality, stop the fleshly part, the carnal, craving, lusting, fallen, screwed up part of your life. For men it means stop letting your little head rule your big head.

So that’s the secret to a victorious Christian life, no butt rubbing.

Hopefully you see the serious part of this and haven’t fallen out of your chair laughing and hurt yourself.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 And if your offended by this post have someone rub your butt.

I’M WITH STUPID

November 23, 2017

Image result for A PICTURE OF A BIRDHOUSE

A “do it yourself” catalog firm received the following letter from one of its customers: “I built a birdhouse according to your stupid plans, and not only is it much too big, it keeps blowing out of the tree. Signed, Unhappy.”

The firm replied: “Dear Unhappy, We’re sorry about the mix-up. We accidentally sent you a sailboat blueprint. But if you think you are unhappy, you should read the letter from the guy who came in last in the yacht club regatta.”

Once a spider built a beautiful web in an old house. He kept it clean and shiny so that flies would patronize it. The minute he got a “customer” he would clean up on him so the other flies would not get suspicious. Then one day this fairly intelligent fly came buzzing by the clean spider web. Old man spider called out, “Come in and sit.” But the fairly intelligent fly said, “No, sir. I don’t see other flies in your house, and I am not going in alone!” But presently he saw on the floor below a large crowd of flies dancing around on a piece of brown paper. He was delighted! He was not afraid if lots of flies were doing it. So he came in for a landing. Just before he landed, a bee zoomed by, saying, “Don’t land there, stupid! That’s flypaper!” But the fairly intelligent fly shouted back, “Don’t be silly. Those flies are dancing. There’s a big crowd there. Everybody’s doing it. That many flies can’t be wrong!” Well, you know what happened. He died on the spot. Some of us want to be with the crowd to badly that we end up in a mess. What does it profit a fly (or a person) if he escapes the web only to end up in the glue?

Charles Swindoll

The one good thing about growing older is you make less stupid mistakes (hopefully).

I have a parishioner that doesn’t have dementia, but she loves saying outlandish things, making funny faces and sometimes being rather childish, if anybody says anything she just says; “dementia.” When I asked her why she said she had a very strict childhood and a dominating husband and this was her chance to break the mold.

Or the guy I met that passes anyone he meets with a card that has some weird made up medical term and an explanation that he will probably offend you, it’s a kind of Tourette’s syndrome, and at the bottom of the card it says ‘turnover’ and the other sides says; “I’m really just an a$$hole.

We all know people like this and yes you can train yourself to be stupid.

Self-destructive behavior is stupidity run amok, and as the comedian says; “you can’t fix stupid.”

And the bible agrees, the fool, the unteachable, the rebellious, the reprobate, all possibly bound for hell because they won’t stop being what they are.

So look at the things you do in your life and are any of them stupid. Then ask your self why you are doing such things. And just like AA, stop, get help.

Now I have to say there’s one caveat to this little rant, know the difference between stupid and careless. The latter can be fixed, and it really is a poor excuse that only makes you look…..(you got it) stupid.

So clean up your act, stop making excuses, stop saying it’s an addiction, just stop, you can, you’ve done it before. Is it hard, yes being obedient is always harder to do than being careless.

But ask yourself, right at this moment did God lead you to read this giant stop sign. It might be your last chance, you may want to think about.

Blessings from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

YOU WIENER

November 22, 2017

rainy-sleepy-snoopy-peanuts

ok, this is not deep theology, or even deep psychology.

We all face mountains, obstacles, setbacks, hardships, you get my point.

When that happens I have a number of bible verses memorized that help.

But there is something else that helps even more, singing.

Now I have good voice, but that doesn’t matter it’s the songs. I have a ‘set’ of songs that carry me out of the slough of despondency, the pit of despair, the blues of life, I could wax on but let’s stop.

So here’s my list,

  1. GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU

  2. JOYFUL JOYFUL WE ADORE THEE

  3. ZIPPY DO DAA

  4. AND ‘I WISH I WAS AN OSCAR MEYER WIENER’.

SERIOUSLY, SOMETIMES IT TAKES ALL OF THEM, BUT THAT’S THE USUAL ORDER.

  1. S. Bach said, “All music should have no other end and aim than the glory of God and the soul’s refreshment; where this is not remembered there is no real music but only a devilish hubbub.” He headed his compositions: “J. J.” “Jesus Juva” which means “Jesus help me.” He ended them “S.D.G.” “Soli Dei gloria” which means “To God alone the glory.”

 Martin Luther said, “The devil takes flight at the sound of music, just as he does at the words of theology, and for this reason the prophets always combined theology and music, the teaching of truth and the chanting of Psalms and hymns.” “After theology, I give the highest place and greatest honor to music.”

So there you have it, pack up all your troubles, a great world war one song that everybody was singing was;

Pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag,

And smile, smile, smile,

Smile, boys, that’s the style.

What’s the use of worrying?

It never was worth while, so

Pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag,

And smile, smile, smile.

Smile, smile, smile, sing, sing, sing.

Blessings from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

RINNNNNG! RRRRIINNNNNGGGGG!

November 4, 2017

Okay first thing to remember is that this is not a crash course on demonology or even theology it’s just a story; although it’s a true story and even though my theology has changed (matured), none of that is relevant.

So it’s one of those oh my God I’ve answered the phone again, and a little old lady says, “pastor would you come over to my house I think it’s possessed.”

So what the heck, yes ma’am, I will come over. So this is a lady that does not go to my church, I’ve never heard of her before, oh yeah and she says she talked to the pastor next door and he says; I’m just some crazy old lady”.

So that’s all the information that I had, so I’m  going to visit a possible crazy woman who thinks her home is possessed. So first of all it is a nice neighborhood, and she does have a lovely home And Everything Is well kept.

I knock on the door, and this woman answers the door and she looks perfectly sane and in her right mind. And she is all “you must be the pastor, please come in” (cue creepy music). So I go in the house it is very well kept, very clean, no weird smells everything appears to be normal.

So she says, “well pastor let me tell you there is some kind of ghost living in my basement and at night when I’m asleep he comes up bothers me, then my bottom dresser draw slides open and all these little naked people come out and dance all around me. Would you go down in the basement and do whatever it is you do and get it out of here?”

So I go to the door that leads down to the basement and I flicked the light switch, and just like every good horror movie, the light does not does not come on. I look at her and she says oh he always does that he unscrews the light bulb. You will have to go down the steps and open the door reach out screw in the light bulb and pull on the cord”.

Okay is it just me or is my heart hammering like a 12 air hammer?

I asked her do you have a flashlight, you already know what the answer is, “no the batteries are dead.”

So, here I am walking down the stairs and I am praying, “sweet Jesus do not let there be anybody down here, demonic or otherwise.” (you also have to remember tactical flashlights have not been invented, just the giant cop mag light that I don’t have.)

I push open the door, it is pitch black, I cannot see a thing. I look over my shoulder and see that the lady is standing there at the top of the stairs wringing her hands. And you know what I’m thinking of right now, you just know something is going to happen.

So I’m trying to keep the door open with my right foot, and reach out with my left hand and try to find this light bulb that’s hanging from the ceiling so I can screw it in and pull on the cord and oh sweet Jesus let there really be light down here and nothing else not even a mouse.

Well what I did not know is that it was a swinging door because right then when I found the light bulb the door swings shut. At least I thought it was swinging shut, actually it was swinging towards me, and as I rushed back toward it, it was at the apex of its swing and bam I get slammed in the head like a sledge hammer as whacked me. I thought I was attacked by whatever was down in the basement; and man I am freaking out.

Forget about spiritual warfare, calling the name of Jesus, I’m in fight mode, out comes the Emerson combat knife and I looking for something to cut. I hear the lady at the top of stairs calling out; “are you okay, you have to watch out for the door it swings both ways.”

Foolishly I realize what has happened and I calm down and realize how glad I am she didn’t see the very unspiritual, totally freaked out Holy Roller going all Rambo.

I turn on the light and you guessed it, nothing down there. I’m praying to calm down, relax, take a deep breath and somebody taps me on the shoulder, I can instantly tell you it’s not the lady, its someone taller and bigger than her and I’m thinking you already freaked out once is it time to do it again?

The problem in most fights if you are not the attacker you are behind the power curve and catching up will usually get you cut, shot, or worse. But I think that moment I just felt calm and settled just long enough to not just lash out. Good thing it was the pastor from next door, he was worried because I’d been in the house a long time and remember he thinks his neighbor is crazy.

He sees the goose egg on my forehead and is asking if I’m alright and did she throw me down the stairs, is there somebody really down here. I tell him what happens and we both have a good laugh.

So we go back upstairs and I tell this lady there is nothing down there. Her response “maybe you should go there at night because that’s when they come out.” Guess what I said, “sure thing.” (Maybe I do need to have my head examined.)

Well no suspense, went back at her bedtime, sat in the basement with all the lights on and two flashlights and nothing.

So is she crazy who knows, is her house possessed, not that night. I never heard from her again. Hopefully she’s alright.

Do I still answer the phone and get sucked into crazy situations, yes I do. Moral of the story I don’t go into strange houses by myself. And I always have a flashlight.

Some time I’ll have to you about the time I was asked to do a cult abduction from a vampire cult. See I still answer the phone.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

go ahead laugh

September 22, 2017

4 R UMAX     PL-II            V1.4 [5]MOUNTAIN LIONS, COYOTES AND SCORPIONS, OH MY!

THE BIBLE SAYS A MERRY HEART DOES ONE GOOD, SO HERE WE GO.

So I live in South Texas, in the middle of nowhere. We have an occasional mountain lion go through, scorpions everywhere, bobcats, coyotes (4 legged), one pit viper (now dead) thanks to my Bond Derringer with 7.5 shot. Javelinas, Russian Boar hogs, you get my point.

So our garage is attached to the house and during the summer we leave all the doors open so the dogs can come and go and get out of the heat.

So it’s not unusual to see the dogs starring at their food bowls and not eating, usually it means a tarantula is in the bowl. Not a big deal. We will be sitting in the house and see a tarantula going across the picture window or sitting on the picnic table. Go out at night with dogs and the spotlight will show the holes in the ground and you guessed what pops out, tarantula.

So I’m at the carwash driving through, kinda of day dreaming and I look up at the rearview mirror and there just behind my head on the rear driver’s side window a big ol’ tarantula.

Not thinking tactically, I jump out of the car and run right into a giant red vertical, twirling brush, soap everywhere, water everywhere and for some dumb reason instead of moving out of the way I tackle that brush just like in football practice and bang, everything stops, sirens start blowing, I’m drenched, out runs the gas station attendant. And of course he wants to know what in the world am I doing.

So explain about the tarantula, I drive my car out of the carwash and open the rear driver side door to find the tarantula, there ain’t one, just the giant brown embroidered flower on my wife’s sweater on the hanger. Ok, you had to be there in the dark, with sunglasses on and limo tinted windows to get the affect. Still not my greatest moment of poise under fire.

Oh, I did get a free car wash.

And thank the Lord for bug out bags, changed my clothes and went on my more humble way.

Roger, out. .

Blessings from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

mason jars and God

September 17, 2017

I grew up in a bar, my dad went there every night after work. My mother would often tell me to go down and get him. So here is this 9 year old walking down the road at 11pm to drive his dad home. I’d walk in the door and my dad would turn to Bud the bartender and tell him to pour me a short one. I’d pull up to the bar and drink my little beer and listen to everyone talk.

What amazed me is you could say anything at all and they would just nod their heads or say; “I feel you man.”

I bring this up because when these men become Christians and leave the bar scene they will often come to me frustrated and overwhelmed because in church men can’t say what they’re really feeling or thinking because it’s usually carnal, earthy and lets say a bit crusty.

So how do you reach out to these, not raised in church, late bloomers about humility and obedience, or being godly men, when they feel they don’t have a voice to be heard in the church world?

As a pastor get ready to catch some flack when you are real and transparent about your own shortcomings and feelings. Believe the women of the church will crucify you for being a manly pastor. As an evangelist, I realized I could say just about anything because they knew I knew nothing about them personally. And being salty, crusty and genuine myself, I felt honored when after a sermon, men would come up and say “you’re the first preacher I’ve met I didn’t think was gay.”

Now you have to realize that most of my evangelistic days were spent in coal mining towns or lumber mills.

I soon realized that you could be more effective and believable if you were honest about your own short comings and used a little humor. Moonshine was big in the area and every church had a dinner on the ground when an evangelist came to town. After the service, the men would form a circle around me and offer a mason jay with a little ‘shine’ in it. there was always that moment of tension, now rather you agree with me or not I don’t really care, the apostle Paul said to be all things to all men. So I would take a little sip and usually say ‘damn that was really fine.’

The women folk were always amazed that I was asked back more often than any other evangelist. And I made sure the second time back the sermon would be a barn burner. These same women would also comment how ‘so and so’ had never responded to an altar call before, but this time…

Men in church are looking for pastors that can relate and be real. If I’m in a hunting church, I go hunting, fish and trap, coon dog hunting, even went to a pit fight once. But I never compromised the message. Oh, the stuff shirt would complain because the men were in the parking lot smoking.

I will never forget a guy who always dropped his wife and kids off for church and then went to a Bob Evans restaurant and drink coffee, he started coming to church. One day he came up to me and said; ‘you’re the first pastor that would let me come to church with cigarettes in my shirt pocket and not say anything.’

A month later he came down to the altar and later that month he got baptized.

Well I don’t know how I got to this point in the devotion. But pastors be manly, love your wife in public, be a strong parent to your children, don’t embarrass them in church. And stop shaking hands like a pansy and talking that gospel whisper like your Joel Osteen or sex phone operator.  And keep a good tactical knife in your back pocket and at least clean your nails with it. some guy will ask to look at it and then show you his. It’s a start.

Change comes slowly, but lets at least get the men in the church.

Send your rants, complaints, prayer requests to scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com

 

potato chips

September 15, 2017

MOST REQUESTED DEVOTIONAL FOR REPOSTING, WHICH WE ONLY DO ONCE OR TWICE A YEAR.

SO BECAUSE YOU ASK, WE RESPOND, BLESSINGS AND PEACE

SO WHO’S WITH ME, YOU WANT TO GROW UP AND BE A POTATO CHIP.

BETTER LET ME EXPLAIN, LAYS POTATO CHIPS THEY HAVE ONE THAT’S LABELED, ‘LIGHTLY SALTED; IN A WEIRD WAY IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT THAT EXPLAINS THE FOUR GOSPELS AND THE BOOK OF ACTS (NOT COMPLETELY BUT ALMOST).

GOD IS LIGHT, HIS SON IS LIGHT, AND WE ARE CALLED TO BE LIGHT. IN THE GOSPEL OF JOHN IT SAYS THAT DARKNESS (EVIL, THE DEVIL) CANNOT OVERCOME THE LIGHT OR EVEN UNDERSTAND IT. THAT’S HOW POWERFUL LIGHT IS.

SO WE ARE CALLED TO LIGHT.

WE ARE ALSO CALLED TO BE SALT

THE GOSPEL OF MATTHEW 5:13 SAYS WE ARE TO BE THE SALT OF THE EARTH. WE ARE TO BRING FLAVOR AND BE A PRESERVATIVE TO THE WORLD. BUT IF THE SALT LOSES ITS FLAVOR IT IS NO GOOD; AND THERE IS THE PROBLEM.

FOUR THINGS WE ARE SUPPOSED TO DO AS CHRISTIANS.ONE, BE LIGHT, TWO BE SALT, THREE BE CHRIST LIKE, AND FOUR BE MATURE.

WE CAN’T LEAVE ONE PART OUT, WE ARE TO SHINE IN DARKNESS AND LET THE WORLD KNOW A RESURRECTED CHRIST; WE ARE TO HAVE AN INFLUENCE IN THE WORLD THAT ACTUALLY STOPS OR RETARDS THE PEOPLE AND THEIR SINS (CONVICTION AND THAT GOD LOVES THEM). BE CHRIST LIKE IN ALL WE DO SO THE LIGHT SHINES FROM US. AND GROW UP SO WE CAN GROW OUT.

SO HERE’S MY PROPOSITION, SPEAKING JUST ABOUT AMERICA, WE HAVE PRETTY MUCH FAILED IN EVANGELISM, WITNESSING AND SPREADING THE HOPE OF GOD. SO EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG IN OUR COUNTRY IS PRETTY MUCH THE CHURCHES FAULT AND OF COURSE THE SINFULNESS OF MAN.

ONE WE HAVE NO CONTROL OVER, THE OTHER WE DO. DON’T BLAME THE GOVERNMENT, OR POLITICIANS, THE QUESTION WE HAVE TO ASK IS ‘HAVE OUR LIGHTS GONE OUT AND IS THE SALT GONE FROM OUR LIVES.

HOW MANY FAMOUS TV AND BOOK PASTORS ARE SAYING THE BIBLE ISN’T HISTORICALLY RELEVANT, IT HAS NO PLACE IN THE PLACE OF MODERN MAN. HOW ABOUT ALL THE CHURCHES THAT HAVE ONE GOAL ON SUNDAY, TO MAKE YOU FEEL HAPPY AND GOOD ABOUT YOUR SELF (BIG NEWS FLASH, GOD DOESN’T ACTUALLY CARE IF YOUR HAPPY).

THERE IS A WELL KNOWN PASTOR NEAR HERE THAT TOLD ME HE HASN’T PREACHED A MESSAGE ABOUT SIN IN OVER 15 YEARS AND WOULDN’T BECAUSE HE THINKS THAT MESSAGE WOULD DRIVE THE CROWDS AWAY.

ASK YOUR SELF ‘WHY DO I GO TO CHURCH?’ HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU’VE WITNESSED TO SOMEONE, OR TRIED TO HOLD A BROTHER OR SISTER ACCOUNTABLE FOR SOMETHING THEY ARE HAVING A PROBLEM WITH.

BE BIG

BE BOLD

BE BRAVE

SO TODAY WILL YOU RENEW YOUR VOW TO BE A POTATO CHIP, VOTE YES.

God bless from scumlikeuschurch@gmail.com for questions, comments or prayer requests.